Monday, 20 January 2014

post 15... the electronic friend... for adults only.

So this post is probably going to get my arse kicked by Andy-the husband. but it's a bit too funny not to share with you all.
i have tested it out on some close friends before releasing it to you... and they were laughing too hard to say don't post it so here it goes....
this story involves sex toys... if you are in any way shape or form against sexual pleasuring devices then CLOSE THE PAGE NOW.... like right now before i say something like dildo or anal beads or cock ring or whatever else toys you can buy... and there are HUNDREDS... THOUSANDS... beyonce has a gold plated dildo... i tell no lies...!
ANYWAY... this isn't about Queen B.
Let me set the scene... its a weekend morning.. early-ish. a beautiful day as the sun is already peeking through the curtains and i roll over to see the gorgeously tanned back of my husband... MMMM MMMM! muscles... and tan... and muscles and tan... and then he farts.... BUT i still love him and after the stench clears i give him a kiss on the shoulder and he rolls over and then... well i will spare you those details but we were kissing and stuff and yeah... so anyway after we've had a round or two we decide to get roger or russel-or whatever the hell we decided to jokingly refer to the dildo as- out of his secret, never to be found by kids hiding spot.
NOW ladies... confession time... i don't actually like him. He does minimal for me and he's more for Andy to get excited about me doing things with plastic/latex/vibrating boy bit. I cannot stand him. Husband= GREAT
Roger/Russell= Boring & tickly... and not in a fucking good way... in a 'stop tickling my vag or i will rip your guts out kind of way...!
SO we bought this toy for 'me' but really for Andy.
ANYWAY... we gave it a go... it gives me the tickly shits... not literal poo for those who are worried... just the 'feeling annoyed' kind of shits. So andy grabbed him out and pegged him on the floor and we kept at it with the good old gifts that god gave us... it was a doozey, i had a great time... so did andy. the proof is in the pudding...LOL sorry i couldn't resist!
ANYWAY we're all finished... we decide to lie in our own mess& snuggle back down for the cuddle... i turn to my side to find my undies that were strewn on the floor in the heat of the moment.... and the first thing i see is a little nest head. It's mimi (amielle-one of our 4yo twins) sitting there with her back to me. NOT saying anything. holy shitballs. i scruff my undies... and then we both say good morning to her super excitedly  hoping to cover up anything she may have heard...! she says good morning but doesn't turn around...
i then remember Roger/Russell...! i tilt my head to Andy to and quietly mention this... he jumps up and looks over the side of the bed and innocently as anything mimi, still facing the other way, holds Russell/Roger up in the air and says 'you mean this mummy?!?'
OH MY FUCKING GOD. i may have died inside a little from massive embarrassment.
Andy scruffed it off her and shoved it under our pillows. He was dry and clean thank god.
We had a little chuckle... because we didn't know what else to do.
After the bedroom was vacated a while later i pulled him out, washed him and put him back in his secret place. Never to be used when the kiddies are home... EVER...AGAIN.
i even stole his batteries for Lily's furby... i'm not sure if that is weird or not... batteries are batteries!!!
Roger/Russell now sleeps eternally...
The end.
This is me signing off... this also not child abuse or neglect... i checked. So there you go.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

post 14... sounds like i'm in the army..!

Here i am in my rambling state...
i have been absent for a few months... collaborating my thoughts and untangling my life that gets tangled daily.
Whilst i was away from here... from you... a few events happened. My twins 4th birthday, Andy's (my husband) 29th birthday, Christmas then happened followed closely by NYE and then my birthday.
i will most likely post on all of these but the one that sticks out in my mind at the moment is my birthday.
WHY..? i hear you ask.... well because its about me. No, that is not really it... although I'm sure some disgruntled females that are clearly disgruntled with me MAY argue that THAT is the reason... pfft whatever... flipping a virtual bird in your direction... if i cared about your opinion i would probably have dropped off the face of the earth long ago...!
Anyway i want to talk about a few things... the main one is that i got a lot of birthday messages on Facebook for my actual birthday! this was lovely. it made my day special and i appreciated it! lots of people left lovely thoughtful heartfelt messages... Tor Powell stole my heart with her message. that was amazing and I actually cried like a big baby. thanks tor! :P but in summarising the messages... i noticed a theme... the theme was that 75% of people that left me a birthday message referred to me in some descriptive form as 'crazy'...!
eg. 'happy birthday you crazy lady' or 'happy birthday Gracie. my life would be boring without your craziness in it..'. Now i don't know about you BUT when a large chunk of your friends start referring to you as crazy it sure as shit makes you feel... well... a bit crazy! I really took a good long look at myself... for all of about 15 mins and then i got bored... probably because I'm CRAZY...!
now i need to know... do they mean crazy as in psycho or crazy as in zany and up beat..? full of life and on this roller coaster like everyone else...? :/
So yes... that's what's been going on. this post is not overly funny. sorry...its just what's been going on and what i noticed.
When I was looking at myself I also noticed that I'm so critical of my body. I don't love it for what it is... for what it can do or has done. I hate it for the way it looks and the bits that wobble.
i keep reading all these things that tell me i should be kinder to myself and I share them on into Facebook world fully intending to practice what i preach but it is really difficult...! I fully believe and understand what they say and the negative effect i am having on myself and then in turn my daughters and their bodies but i cannot seem to stop the hate..! only one time in 2013 did i look in the mirror and think 'i actually look pretty smoking hot right now...'.
so i have been trying to trace the source of this negativity and i think it is from my catholic upbringing and the negativity that is thrust upon women in the church, then there was my mum... unfortunately she has always picked on herself for her weight and the way she looked and it really did have an effect on me... and the magazines... oh dear god shall we even dive into this. anyone who isn't living under a rock has heard the up roar of photo shopping/correcting already beautiful people to make them more beautiful.... its crap. it makes our lives harder and we STILL tolerate it by purchasing these magazines!
Now its all well and good for me to find the source of all this stuff but now it comes back to me... i am not one to play the blame game and for that i am actually taking responsibility for how i treat myself, despite what i have heard, observed and learnt from my upbringing, peers or the media because do you know what...?
so i'm doing it. i am changing it... it will be slow... it will be shit... at times... but i am going to learn to love myself. FUCK YOU HATE.
Now hold up... i'm not going to be some random up myself bitch... you can practice self love without being up yourself...! there is a massive difference and if i strive to be the best i can be to myself then all these other things that i tolerate in my life will eventually not be tolerated by me... because i love myself too god damn much to be treated like shit by 'friends' who fail to commit and treat me like shit and make me feel bad for it..! NO WAY GIRLFRIEND... your number(s) are up.
I am sick of the shit. i will not support it. As of now. this is it. Finished. Finite. Fin. F.
Do you know why..? Because...LIFE that's why.
Sorry once again that this post is not actually funny. it's still real... and hey... i am crazy remember...!