I have so much to tell you.
The most important is that my Dad died.
Fuck, that's hard to write.
It's even harder to say out loud. It's like trying to talk with an actual blade in your throat, cutting it.
I kept track of everything to do with Dad's Cancer journey.
I took pictures of everything because I plan to write a timeline blog about our 8 week ride to shit town, which will include drawing up medication at 3 am and getting mentally ready to catheterise your father who is in severe bladder retention, but knowing that if he wasn't whacked out on his syringe driver, he would very much have hated me seeing his junk AND so many other things no one really prepares you for.
Turns out, i now reside in shit town. I will now live here forever, but i apparently will learn how to adjust and settle into my new suburb of this gigantic hole left behind in the absence of the strongest man I knew.
See, now i'm crying. I cant even see the keyboard. Touch typing skills for the win right now.
Everything happened so god damn fast. I still don't realise he's gone. I tried to call him the other day to ask him a question. That was hard.
I miss his soft face, full of love. Not one trace of hardness. He was the Labrador. Ever loving and patient. He had all the time in the world for anyone who needed it. And so proud of all of us.
I just literally had to go through what i just wrote and change it to past tense. Still struggling.
I will now paste my eulogy. It was a small ode, as i didn't have long to speak, nor could i have endured that space for a long period of time.
here it is:
He was always kind, he was caring and generous and he had all the time in the world for anyone who needed it. And on a side note, I hate talking about him in past tense.
SO ... there you have it. Grumps is my nickname from him. He actually called me Grumpling when i was little because i always looked grumpy and i hated mornings, even as a baby.
It is now my number plate. Before Dad was even sick i just wanted it. It was like nagging in my frigging soul. So i got them. it pissed Andy off so much. it was like an ongoing prank.
It was great. My Dad was so proud when he saw it. He beamed from his face. And those of you that know him will know what that looks like. I miss the warmth from that look.
Anyway, when he was sick, i lost a plate. An unsecured piece of corrugated iron was flicked up at me from another car in front and ripped my plate off! BUT FB came through with the goods.
and within four days I had my plate back. I was so grateful.
I'm also so grateful that because of fb we raised just over $10,000 to help my Dad clear some debts he had and pay his funeral. It's a long story but his insurance company cancelled his funeral cover instead of his accidental death cover. So we were staring down the barrel of $8,800 for a funeral and Dad donated his body to science! So can you imagine the cost if he hadn't?!?! WTAF.
He was so stressed about leaving Mum with debts. There was only about $20,000 so it wasn't really bad but he was still stressed. But FB via gofund me came to our rescue. To each and every one of you... i'm so grateful, as is my whole family.
Nursing Dad at hone was hard but it was an absolute privilege. I know some families can't do it. I can 100% understand that. But we did it and it was so rewarding. Had Dad's journey been longer then we may not of been able to continue but it will stay with my like a badge of honor. Together, as a family we did it. My Mum and sisters got an emergency crash course in nursing 101 but we did it. And that is something i'm really proud of.
I'll write about my other adventures to do with some seriously crap shit that went down after Dad passed away.
Stay tuned my loves.
AND keep loving, keep being kind and persevere.
You can do it.