Sunday, 29 July 2018

28- Welcome to shit town...

So i haven't posted in a while.
I have so much to tell you.
The most important is that my Dad died.
Fuck, that's hard to write.
It's even harder to say out loud. It's like trying to talk with an actual blade in your throat, cutting it.
I kept track of everything to do with Dad's Cancer journey.
I took pictures of everything because I plan to write a timeline blog about our 8 week ride to shit town, which will include drawing up medication at 3 am and getting mentally ready to catheterise your father who is in severe bladder retention, but knowing that if he wasn't whacked out on his syringe driver, he would very much have hated me seeing his junk AND so many other things no one really prepares you for.
Turns out, i now reside in shit town. I will now live here forever, but i apparently will learn how to adjust and settle into my new suburb of this gigantic hole left behind in the absence of the strongest man I knew.
See, now i'm crying. I cant even see the keyboard. Touch typing skills for the win right now.
Everything happened so god damn fast. I still don't realise he's gone. I tried to call him the other day to ask him a question. That was hard.
I miss his soft face, full of love. Not one trace of hardness. He was the Labrador. Ever loving and patient. He had all the time in the world for anyone who needed it. And so proud of all of us.
I just literally had to go through what i just wrote and change it to past tense. Still struggling.
I will now paste my eulogy. It was a small ode, as i didn't have long to speak, nor could i have endured that space for a long period of time.
here it is:
Memory by Gracie;
There are so many things I could say about my Dad. Things you already know.
He was always kind, he was caring and generous and he had all the time in the world for anyone who needed it. And on a side note, I hate talking about him in past tense.
His rapid decline over 8 weeks was horrible. The ground we were standing on was slipping and we still can’t find our feet. Nursing him through those final days was so challenging but it was a privilege that also broke my heart with every decline in him. Nothing can shake the feelings of doubt that the medication we were giving him to help might have been causing harm instead. I wake up wishing it was all a bad dream and I’d instead hear his cheeky whistle that he would do when he arrived home from work every time he walked in the door.

There are so many memories, to pick just one is so very hard, but something that sticks in my mind was his love for Volvos. He had many over the years and mainly because all of us, except him, were involved in a bad car accident in 1994 and from that moment on he decided that he wasn’t going to take any chances with the loves of his life. Obviously, the closest thing he could get to a tank that was allowed on the road was a Volvo.

He would come to pick us up and drop us off at all hours of the night to various events we were going to as teenagers, in the collection of Volvos. And you could bet, without a doubt right at the front entrance would be Dad with his proud, loving smile that he’d always greet us with and who could forget the squeaky loose fan belt, from the various Volvo of the month that was operational, squealing through the night air and into said venue scaring people left, right and centre.

We’d cringe in horror at the embarrassment. But it’s funny looking back, because now I’d give anything to have him rock up in a Volvo and see that smile of love and admiration for us, his girls.
All Dad ever wanted from life was love, and from the support my family and I have received, I can see that he has achieved that goal. He taught me how to love others unconditionally and how to fully invest into everything I do and for that and so much more I am forever grateful.
People often say that their Dad is the best in the world, but I know that when I say it, it’s true because in my 31 years on this earth with you, I haven’t found a single person who doesn’t have anything but love for the person you are.
Dad, I’m glad your suffering has ended but I’m so empty without your beautiful soul in my life. Rest in eternal peace. All my love.


SO ... there you have it. Grumps is my nickname from him. He actually called me Grumpling when i was little because i always looked grumpy and i hated mornings, even as a baby.
It is now my number plate. Before Dad was even sick i just wanted it. It was like nagging in my frigging soul. So i got them. it pissed Andy off so much. it was like an ongoing prank.
It was great. My Dad was so proud when he saw it. He beamed from his face. And those of you that know him will know what that looks like. I miss the warmth from that look.
Anyway, when he was sick, i lost a plate. An unsecured piece of corrugated iron was flicked up at me from another car in front and ripped my plate off! BUT FB came through with the goods.
and within four days I had my plate back. I was so grateful.

I'm also so grateful that because of fb we raised just over $10,000 to help my Dad clear some debts he had and pay his funeral. It's a long story but his insurance company cancelled his funeral cover instead of his accidental death cover. So we were staring down the barrel of $8,800 for a funeral and Dad donated his body to science! So can you imagine the cost if he hadn't?!?! WTAF.
He was so stressed about leaving Mum with debts. There was only about $20,000 so it wasn't really bad but he was still stressed. But FB via gofund me came to our rescue. To each and every one of you... i'm so grateful, as is my whole family.

Nursing Dad at hone was hard but it was an absolute privilege. I know some families can't do it. I can 100% understand that. But we did it and it was so rewarding. Had Dad's journey been longer then we may not of been able to continue but it will stay with my like a badge of honor. Together, as a family we did it. My Mum and sisters got an emergency crash course in nursing 101 but we did it. And that is something i'm really proud of.

I'll write about my other adventures to do with some seriously crap shit that went down after Dad passed away.

Stay tuned my loves.

AND keep loving, keep being kind and persevere.

You can do it.

Big Love.
G xx

Saturday, 29 April 2017

27- Life is busy yes? This is a BIG ONE

Hello Everyone!
Isn't it funny when you catch up with people whom you haven't seen for ages and the common response to how life is or how you've been is 'Busy'.
What does that actually mean? It can mean you've literally been flat out, you barely have time to breathe or it can mean that your prioritise your time so poorly, you seem flat out but are merely juggling a few tasks badly or it can mean that you'd rather sit at home in your pjs on a Saturday night binge watching TV shows (Outlander...OMFG frothing) with your husband.
In all honesty, I've been all three.
And there are more than three types of busy! But these are the three I see myself falling into.
For me, for the past 12 months almost... I have been working. I have worked so hard that I spent more time at my work places some weeks, than I did at my own house, with my own children.
This was not healthy. But being new to the workforce I felt I was in no position to say no to offers of more shifts to 'help out' or to staying late, especially because I was excited to be there and I was actually HELPING people! I was using my frigging degree and it felt AMAZING.
BUT I found out that this is a really fast track way to burnt out. Some very respected allied health partners whom I work along side were very direct with telling me that it was OK to say no, not all the time but definitely sometimes, as they'd noticed a change in my usual bubbly persona and saw the tired emptiness in my eyes.
This is a hard lesson for me because I'm a yes person.
One of my subconscious life goals is to help others be happy or feel better or loved or appreciated and to help out.
I will help you out till I've accidentally helped you out more than I've helped myself and sometimes accidentally screw myself over. THAT IS THE KIND OF HELPFUL PERSON TO YOU THAT I AM WILLING TO BE ... but it doesn't benefit me as much.
And sure... I know you might be thinking... 'bitch... quit your whinging. you got paid for working right? so STFU!'
Well it's not that straight forward.
I have learnt these things in my 15+ years of working life (i got my first job at 14 & 7 months in case you want to do the math).
You get paid most times, sure.
Sometimes you don't, due to politics in the work place. Yay.
Sometimes you get paid in such a large sum that you lose over half of it to tax for your HECS debt from uni (FML when this little fucker popped up on my payslip and sucked me dry).
And sometimes your workplace expects you to come in before you're getting paid to do things.
Or they expect you to stay late and do things for free. A lot of jobs have expected the 'free work' bit.
When I got my first job, I couldn't believe that they expected me to do things after I had clocked off or before I had even clocked on.
WTF was that about?!?! And why has it become an expected thing nationwide for employers to expect their staff to go above and beyond what they're paid for in their own time?
It just doesn't really make sense.
It made me feel like I was heavily disrespected as an employee.
And if you put down the extra time, you were scrutinised for it and it was never paid.
I worked in hospitality. You could not physically close the doors until the time you actually finished your shift because there was always some fucking twat who wanted a coffee or bread or something at 5.57pm, and then there was final till count and disposal of left over food etc and locking up.
Something for nothing seems to be a theme in the workforce of Australia and because everyone is doing it, then it has become the known thing and it just happens and staff begrudgingly accept this as the norm. IS it derived from the phrase that 'the customer is always right'? Because if I refuse to serve someone at 5.57pm because I've packed up then they can technically complain about me to my boss and I get in trouble but if I claimed the extra time I also got in trouble and told I wasn't efficient enough and it was put back on me (is that employment gas lighting..?!?!).
So it really is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.
So back to nursing. It has been a hard time for me to get my work-life balance right.
I struggled with it. I struggled with not feeling like I'd let people down, especially when you feel the change in their attitude towards you for not being your usual overly helpful self.
But at what cost was that overly helpful self? It nearly cost me everything I've worked this hard for in the first place. I very nearly, just recently packed it all in. I teetered so heavily on a full blown breakdown. There was only a few threads that kept me sewn together, and a large number of them are the amazing nurses I've become friends with at my places of employment. I haven't actually really spoken about this with anyone but the pressure got too much. I was like a pressure cooker with no blow off valve. The steam was building and had no where to get out.
I didn't know what to do.
So I withdrew externally.
And those very special nurses and friends, they came looking for me in my black internal abyss.
They actually looked for me.
I was ready for the ground to swallow me up whole and drop away into it.
But there they were. Some of them don't even know they helped. This is how internal this struggle became.
Because I was afraid.
I was afraid of being seen as weak. Incompetent. And just a shit person in general.
I felt over worked and underappreciated in every single area of my life.
I felt like there was nowhere I could turn, and I know some people reading this will think 'hey, i'm here for you' but when you're in withdrawal mode, you just don't see them unless they actually physically inject themselves into your life and put themselves into your face.
There were a few friends who did this for me, outside of work colleagues.
And I am eternally grateful.
And my husband... the man who shares my bed... is so fixated on his work and has been away for prolonged periods of time that our conversations don't consist of more that a handful of sentences around business accounting and billing. And I get it, it's his livelihood. This is his main concern. There was never a good time to tell him exactly how I was feeling. I love that man but communicating with him isn't always easy.

Now this post has been drafted up for near on two months. I just haven't had the balls to post it.
And then i watched '13 Reasons Why'... and it made me angry and sad and confused and all the emotions in between. But it made me realise that withdrawal from society can seem subtle to everyone else but there can be an internal crisis going on for the person in the middle.
And I would never take my life. I am not at that spot. I never was, but all of a sudden I went from thinking Hannah (the main character) was a attention seeking pain in the arse to actually seeing it for what it was, admittedly I hadn't seen the whole series when I had those thoughts.
I just thought it WAS the early actions of people that had pushed her over the edge... and thought it was a grave over reaction... notice the past tense there. I had been through much worse in primary and high school and lived to tell the tale. It also made me question my actions and thought processes as a nurse. What sort of person was I if I couldn't relate to someone who was about to commit suicide? AND furthermore what sort of nurse did it make me to have my own near breakdown? Who was I to judge what should or shouldn't be someone's last straw?
Turns out, I was judging myself pretty harshly as it was.
That is such a common theme in my posts. I know it and yet still struggle to turn it around but this show actually helped me make those connections and help me unpack it.
And unpack my own mental health.
The main gist of this post is this:
Don't over work yourself to please others and end up selling your sanity down the river.
Apply that concept to every area of your life. I had to or I was at risk of loosing everything.
I even apply this rule to my interactions with my children, my work and all my relationships because you MUST have something left at the end of the day, otherwise you cannot function.

26-Why don't guys want to be my friend?

Last night I went out with some nursing peeps to farewell one of the sisters to the UK.
It was an amazing night, even though my sore neck is still giving me grief.
My head is cloudy today and the forecast is in... it is a hangover.
But good times aside... Let us talk about something that is giving me the shits...
Something I've noticed, as I get older and meet people, especially of the opposite sex and especially out on the town is this: If they find out i'm married they don't want to know me anymore.
Do you know that this tells me?
I'm not worth knowing or getting to know unless i'm a mountable prospect.
I'm not worth investing in conversation with unless I am a possible suitor.
And it hasn't just happened. It has been like this for as long as I can remember.
There have been several men I've met whom i'd love to have gotten to know better because they sound like interesting people. I seem to not be able to expand my male friends due to them being scared off by my marital status. I am my own person. I don't have a fricken ball and chain on.
Last time I checked, I'm not forever destined to have female only friends.
Why is this a thing?
Is it too much trouble to get to know me as a person and maintain a friendship if their vagina is not available?
Admittedly, the 'Sorry, I have a boyfriend' excuse was used by myself and my friends in the days of single clubbing when we were being pestered by guys who we were just not interested in, but that is our bloody right. We don't have to put up with bullshit from guys because it's polite and they are the preferred and dominant sex so we mustn't offend them by refusing their advances...! Fuck off. This isn't the 18th Century, BUT has this excuse then preconditioned men to simply back away when they see that a woman is otherwise involved?
I'm not 100% sure how my husband would feel if I came home with a dozen new male friends.
I don't know if their reaction is a guy code thing? I just don't frigging know.
Recently, I went to a dinner party for a good friends 30th. It was one of the best dinner parties I have ever been too.
We talked about all the taboo subjects; religion, politics and so much more.
Both men and women, whom I have never met before held amazing conversation for a steady 3+ hours. It will stick in my mind and give me hope that one day, I may actually meet a guy who is happy to be my friend.
Now I'm not a total naive twat, I understand that going out on the town and getting plastered with copious amounts of alcohol is a pretty good way to find a mate, even if only for a night and that situation vs a sophisticated dinner party where we were forced to converse in some way or another due to us all wanting to be there for the host, makes the two seem incomparable, But I honestly don't think they are that far from the same.
It comes down to seeking conversation purely for the fact of engaging with another person.
Not to try and get in their pants. Just to find out about them and expand your friendship groups.
Lets talk another example of a fail.
I am on LinkedIn. It's a place where professionals to connect and extend their professional outreach and contacts. I have been chatted up on their at least twice that springs to mind in the last two weeks.
It drives me crazy. I want to get to know you. I want to chat. I want to expand my connections and opportunities because god knows that it's all about who you know in this world..! But i sure as shit do not want to go on a date or a drive in your car or any of that shit. this is a professional platform.
Can we not just have a relationship that is purely platonic?!?
Now, lets just clarify one thing. I don't think i'm the hottest shit since sliced bread. I no longer have guys lining up to be the next best thing. I'm 30. That ship has sailed. I have three kids. I feel like a potato with arms and legs. I have been in a relationship with my now husband for 10 years.
One third of my whole existence. So i get it that the old flames have well and truly gone out...
I should also point out that I do have male friends who have not tried to get into my pants. Some of whom I have known for a long time. I went to one's wedding just recently and it was magical.
So some men can do it. I guess it just takes a different kind of guy than the one who is out on the town with his friends on Friday night...

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

25- what a time to be alive

Hi all,
So my last post was like 10 months ago.

It was a complete snapshot of my mental health collapsing after i had endured an non-stop two year torture to gain a nursing degree.
Which i have done.
I now have two jobs that i love very much and they cement for me that i am on the right path.
It has been a very busy but interesting time.
I have worked my arse off and are doing a ridiculous amount of hours between two establishments but i love every second of it.
So in a nutshell... my previous post was raw, honest, sore and bitchy but it was what it was.
I thought my world and everything i was striving for was over. Turns out, ye of little faith, it was only just beginning... ANd i haven't forgotte where i came from. I am still helping those i studied with get jobs because we are all in this together.

Anyway, the purpose for this blog is to unpack body image. I just saw the movie 'Embrace', starring Taryn Brumfitt. If you don't know anything about the movie, click here; wiki link or the trailer.
It discusses how the media is shaping our thoughts and expectations around our bodies and how we strive to be something we're not.
Kind of touching on always setting ourselves up for failure and having unrealistic expectations from the bodies we have ultimately resulting in self hate.
It was a really interesting topic. I dislike the way i look. I don't like my body after having kids. I often joke to people and say 'if i knew what would happen to my body after having kids (stretch marks) i'd have been naked all the time beforehand!' and it's actually not a joke.
I see the people in this movie talking about loving themselves and it just seems like i will never be able to do it...
BUT it doesn't mean i'm not going to try because about a month ago, Mimi (7 yo) put her school jacket on in the morning ready for the bus and then promptly took it off and said ' i can't wear that, it makes me look fat'.
A piece of me died inside.
This child, MY child, MY creation is beautiful.
All my children are beautiful.
I want them to see themselves how i see them.
Completely perfect just as they are.
This is when i realised there was a problem.
I realised that i had helped create the problem.
I ask if i look fat in clothes all the time.
I am not confident and struggle to feel good in clothes.
Don't get me wrong... i love clothes... and naked isn't an option either. it's worse if you ask me.
But see that's the core of the problem. I have no self love. I am not treating myself with gratitude.
I've carried 4 babies.
Two of them were at the same time.
It has not been easy.
It was not a walk in the park.
Only one of my children weighed under 7lb and that's because he was a premie.
So my body has done a good job there.
Hearing Mimi talk like that has already changed the way i speak around the house and regarding appearance and i am now on the long journey of learning to love myself.
I will strive to be the best i can be, because right now i know that i need to take time out for me to exercise and clear my mind because my body needs the endorphin's not because i want to punish myself for not fitting the social norm of 'beautiful'.
This road will be slow and sometimes those voices inside my head might win... but their fight to control my thoughts just got a lot harder.
I have three daughters to raise and i am not going to raise them in the ideals that they need to look a certain way to feel beautiful, be happy and accepted.
I will do right by my daughters.

Thanks for reading,


Monday, 16 November 2015

post 24- everything you've ever done amounts to not much... except numbers

** there is some fricken errors in this post with the font that are a glitch and i cannot fix sorry**
This is pre-grad position release; Further down is post grad position release.

So as my degree draws to a close it's becoming inevitably clear that despite how good you are at what you do and how good you are at retaining the information and demonstrating it... if you don't get a GPA that is right up there... you will not be successful in job applications.
It doesn't matter that every place you've been on placement have repeatedly said that if it were up to them they would have you working there asap.
It is down to how well you can write about things in essays. And even then, you're not home and hosed because every lecturer, tutor or unit coordinator likes it a different way.
I love how you are told to write, so you do, only to have it ripped to shreds, not for its content but the way you portrayed the information and the bits you chose to portray.
I am not alone in suffering the inconsistency of university.
But i feel i am about to become extremely alone when i am not offered a graduate position.
I hope i do get offered one... but the likelihood of that is getting less and less.
No one seems to understand... except those also in this position. Outsiders try to understand but nothing an remove the heaviness in the pit of your stomach as slowly, everyone gets interviews or phone calls and you get nothing...
See my problem is this; i have too much going in my life that something has to give. The children aren't it, my husband and his business aren't it... do you know what it is? it's me. It is my time and my plan that is always compromising for my family and now because of that i may miss out on a graduate position because i did not have the time to devote to the assignments that i should have. Pulling all nighters and having two jobs as well as raising three children (four if you include my husband) is a tough gig and my quality of work has suffered as a result. I don't want to resent my family but the feelings come creeping in, especially when my marks pre-kids & husband were high.
I sit here tonight with one hope left in the public health system, that they will offer me a job.
As i have nothing left to give. i have given my all, i have cried all my tears and nursed my arse off and quite possibly could turn around empty handed. feeling like my all, my all that i could afford to give without completely ruining my family (although placement nearly does), is not actually good enough.
Something i know for sure is i am a bloody good nurse. I give it my all. When i am nursing, that is all that matters. I am in the moment. I am not sacrificing my time for my families priorities. I am 100% there and present. That's what hurts the most... i can't demonstrate that on an assignments. My placement feedback reflects it but hardly anyone wants to look at that. It all comes down to those numbers...
After all what are we in life but some frigging numbers...

Post grad position;
I'm good but poo at the same time.  Like all good nurses, lets start with poo first;

I didn't get a first round offer for any of the hospitals or aged care i aplied to.
I was ok with it on Wednesday when the news broke but i felt heavy in my chest. I continued along but by Thursday afternoon, having tolerated two full, long days of people's success being shoved down my throat, not even keeping off social media could spare me... people felt the need to text me- which was a HUGE test for me, anyway on Thursday evening i broke down. I sat on the floor in my toilet and actually cried (howled) the hardest i've cried since my sons funeral because i don't think i've ever felt like more of a failure than at those two points in my life.
Anyway, after my children broke into the toilet to cuddle me, i scraped myself together and let it wash over me and the reality of the situation that this is not the end really sank in. 
I felt so much better on Friday... Sure i didn't look better... all puffy etc but i felt free and light.
I love my PEP but i had been holding back a bit because i doubted myself and everything i knew because i felt i wasn't good enough to be employed which OBVIOUSLY meant i sucked at nursing.
But on Friday, i let go of that bullshit. Took on some patients and was given some of the best 
feedback i've ever had. The nurse i was with requested that i stay and help instead of attending PPE 
training (as i'd done it a few months before for casual job) so that was also nice.
I've honestly never felt more at ease nursing than when i'm nursing for these little people.

So in summary... i love it. Morale of my story is this:
I needed to get over my insecurities and know that i may not look to flash on paper (thanks to my 
own busy life and my own kiddies... no resentment there... can you tell?) but i DO know my stuff and i'm going to keep doing my absolute best because it's not over yet...
The struggle is real and it has really helped me see people for who they really are. There are those that are humble in their triumph over others... and then there are those who are fuck sticks about it... forgetting that they too were standing where i am only moments earlier...
It can't be helped. That is just who they are and i am not fleeting in my happiness for them. I am genuinely happy and one day when i am in the same position i will be mindful to consider those not as fortunate... as well as congratulating those that struggled hard for the position they gained. Celebrating is fine and essential but considerate celebrating is also kind. Every single person i have talked to has found this course a struggle at some point or another.... not one person is more deserving than another. If only the truth of the situation regarding the shortage of RNs was realised... then we'd all have jobs....

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Post 23- what the...?

Hello all!
I haven't written in a while because I was on HOLIDAYS!!!
I know, I know! HOLY SMOKES BATMAN... HOLIDAYS! But hold on... I did nothing exciting...!
I cleaned my house... thoroughly. And I'm ashamed to admit it but I was excited about it.
It's not finished but meh... what in life actually gets finished when you have 3 kids and two jobs and a husband who's arms are painted on when he enters the inside of the house..? NOTHING.
So yeah.. i did my best and it's still not good enough... but on with getting my degree.
I wanted to talk about two articles today. The first one is about a husband who is not attracted to his wife any more now that she is a sz 18+ (read it here);
Now to this guy... my heart went out. He still loves his wife in every way but finds he is no longer physically attracted to her because of this and instead of body shaming her, because he says she does that enough already, he seeks out the advice of others. Now this can be perceived two ways, which the comments clearly showed;
one: "What an arsehole. its for better or worse you mother fucking piece of shit!" this was also thrown around "what if she'd lost a limb huh? would you love her then?? shallow arsehole!!" So much hate for this dude. It got me thinking... This surely didn't happen over night. Does he not have a good enough relationship with his wife that he can actually just gently talk about it..? BUT I felt a connection with the other side of the story, His. Sure it's for better or worse but what about his happiness? He loves every other aspect of this woman. its just her size... and it is impacting the other areas. He wants to help her gently and safely but just doesn't know how. Now as a wife who feels like a fat lump, much to my husbands disagreement, i can totally understand trying to look good for my husband. that is what I want to do. But this woman must have some other serious shit going on to expand the way she has. I think that she needs help and he needs help. they all need help. She will end up in an early grave and no one wants that. The body is not designed to be overweight. The pressure on the functioning systems of the body is massively intensified. I have concern for this woman from a health perspective but i think that no amount of gym time or healthy eating is going to fix her... unless she sorts out the real cause of her weight gain which could be anything ranging from mental health to emotional well being. But as the husband mentions in the article, she has not been able to stick with the gyming. He could always join. i love working out with my husband. Its sexy to see all his muscles cranking! DELICIOUS.
Now, on the flip side is this article, which my husband doesn't even believe is real (you can read it here);
This article is written by a woman, who's size is not disclosed, but she talks about not being her perky 20 year old self after 3 kids and another 20 years BUT she says her husband never wanted to bang her, even in the beginning, after the initial honeymoon phase of the relationship had worn off! And she still married that dude. And had 3 kids. The issue here is he watches porn. A LOT. Like 4+ times a week according to this woman. He would rather iron one out solo than park it in his garage.
My mind boggled. What is going on here i thought...? what the actual fuck is wrong with this man? with this woman..? with any of it..? holy fucking not fucking!
She has threatened etc and it's gone nowhere. He loves to bat it out alone. She copped flack on this page, and so did he.. much like the other post.
Porn... Yes... i'm going to talk about my opinion of it. Porn is great if it's together or the other partner is comfortable and aware of what is going down solo. And by that I don't mean announcing every time you're going to go solo... I just mean that I feel the conversation needs to be had about what level is acceptable and both people are comfortable with. Porn is taboo... but guess what? so is miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, homosexuality and so many things. i feel these things are taboo for three reason; 1. Religion -thanks Catholicism for zipping the lips of anyone who has ever felt different of thought differently or 'failed' in your eyes, 2. the fear of offending one another.. truth about this is be tactful but don't lose who you are and come from a place of kindness. 3. fear of rejection and fear of failure- no one wants to be rejected of fail. this makes us vulnerable. no one likes to feel vulnerable and be open to hurt.
Now back to porn.. it's a conversation that needs to be had, otherwise people are going to get hurt, and more often than not.. the hurt person won't get the support from the offender because they don't see any issue.. all because the conversation was never had. Set the common ground.
Now back to the articles...what I really found interesting was that these two couples with their relationships could easily be the SAME couple.
 It's always easy to pass judgement with only half the facts, as so many of us do. HELL I even pass judgement just from the outfits I see out on the town sometimes...! But on my mission to suspend my judgement and become a well rounded nurse, all these thoughts came flooding to me at about 3am. So here I am smashing away the next day.
The biggest thing I noticed was the absolute death and crucifixion of communication. It was no where to be seen in either of these relationships.
It was GONE. And to speculate, I'd say that over time it just ran dry. You can only flog a dead horse/shout at a deaf mule for SO long before a bad case of the "fuck it" sets in.
I feel both these people need a good does of communication life support.
And i say this from a place that has had many a communication breakdown in their relationship.
I shut off my communication because I'm afraid to rock the boat... yeah laugh it up... I know you don't think of me  like that (those of you who know me) but with my family it's different.
With my husband it's different. It's not his fault. In the past, I was in an really bad relationship, and as a result of that I fear an angry partner. One day I won't and my current partner/husband will get the shock of his life because I said it the first time i was feeling it instead of locking it away in fear.
WOWSER... flood gates are open. i think thats enough about my past life and the shit that went down.
Moral of the story... be kind, be considerate and gain the full picture before offering 'helpful/judgemental' advice. And always try that shoe on the other foot... mmm shoes... shopping... nope. Got to stop it before my eyes glaze over.
Peace out.
G-dawg xx

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Post 22- Realness

Tonight something happened to me.
I went to the hospital to visit some really good, close friends and celebrate the arrival of their gorgeous newborn son.
In this same hospital, just over 10 years ago, merely 100 meters down the corridor, my gorgeous newborn son, first born only son, passed away.
Since that day, 10 long years ago, I had been avoiding the hospital for numerous reasons.
But tonight I went in with a heart of joy and happiness. My hands full of gifts for this new boy and his doting parents. What an amazing family unit they have become.
I was struck with mixed twangs of pain and excitement as the new parents asked me for any advice I had to help them survive this initial period. I once imagined that this would be me. It was hard.
I felt inexperienced giving advice, like somewhat of a fraud, as the feelings of failure and guilt have never really left me and I felt wrong giving them tips, as all my surviving babies were girls.
It was a huge fight for me to beat that inner voice and realise that these new parents respect me and admire the job I have done raising my girls and I should really do the same for myself.
Give myself a god damn break.
Holding their beautiful baby boy and listening to them starting their family life really hit me harder than I thought it would. So much so that it's after midnight and I was silently weeping on my couch and it was in such a good way... a way that made me realise I've been holding these feelings for far too long. In all honestly, how can I possibly expect to help others unless I have first known how to help myself and except help from others.
These friends of mine will make amazing parents. I'm so privileged to have them in my life and, without even knowing it, they've helped me to heal and what a surprise that was for me.
Goodnight all.
Be kind. x