Monday, 16 November 2015

post 24- everything you've ever done amounts to not much... except numbers

** there is some fricken errors in this post with the font that are a glitch and i cannot fix sorry**
This is pre-grad position release; Further down is post grad position release.

So as my degree draws to a close it's becoming inevitably clear that despite how good you are at what you do and how good you are at retaining the information and demonstrating it... if you don't get a GPA that is right up there... you will not be successful in job applications.
It doesn't matter that every place you've been on placement have repeatedly said that if it were up to them they would have you working there asap.
It is down to how well you can write about things in essays. And even then, you're not home and hosed because every lecturer, tutor or unit coordinator likes it a different way.
I love how you are told to write, so you do, only to have it ripped to shreds, not for its content but the way you portrayed the information and the bits you chose to portray.
I am not alone in suffering the inconsistency of university.
But i feel i am about to become extremely alone when i am not offered a graduate position.
I hope i do get offered one... but the likelihood of that is getting less and less.
No one seems to understand... except those also in this position. Outsiders try to understand but nothing an remove the heaviness in the pit of your stomach as slowly, everyone gets interviews or phone calls and you get nothing...
See my problem is this; i have too much going in my life that something has to give. The children aren't it, my husband and his business aren't it... do you know what it is? it's me. It is my time and my plan that is always compromising for my family and now because of that i may miss out on a graduate position because i did not have the time to devote to the assignments that i should have. Pulling all nighters and having two jobs as well as raising three children (four if you include my husband) is a tough gig and my quality of work has suffered as a result. I don't want to resent my family but the feelings come creeping in, especially when my marks pre-kids & husband were high.
I sit here tonight with one hope left in the public health system, that they will offer me a job.
As i have nothing left to give. i have given my all, i have cried all my tears and nursed my arse off and quite possibly could turn around empty handed. feeling like my all, my all that i could afford to give without completely ruining my family (although placement nearly does), is not actually good enough.
Something i know for sure is i am a bloody good nurse. I give it my all. When i am nursing, that is all that matters. I am in the moment. I am not sacrificing my time for my families priorities. I am 100% there and present. That's what hurts the most... i can't demonstrate that on an assignments. My placement feedback reflects it but hardly anyone wants to look at that. It all comes down to those numbers...
After all what are we in life but some frigging numbers...

Post grad position;
I'm good but poo at the same time.  Like all good nurses, lets start with poo first;

I didn't get a first round offer for any of the hospitals or aged care i aplied to.
I was ok with it on Wednesday when the news broke but i felt heavy in my chest. I continued along but by Thursday afternoon, having tolerated two full, long days of people's success being shoved down my throat, not even keeping off social media could spare me... people felt the need to text me- which was a HUGE test for me, anyway on Thursday evening i broke down. I sat on the floor in my toilet and actually cried (howled) the hardest i've cried since my sons funeral because i don't think i've ever felt like more of a failure than at those two points in my life.
Anyway, after my children broke into the toilet to cuddle me, i scraped myself together and let it wash over me and the reality of the situation that this is not the end really sank in. 
I felt so much better on Friday... Sure i didn't look better... all puffy etc but i felt free and light.
I love my PEP but i had been holding back a bit because i doubted myself and everything i knew because i felt i wasn't good enough to be employed which OBVIOUSLY meant i sucked at nursing.
But on Friday, i let go of that bullshit. Took on some patients and was given some of the best 
feedback i've ever had. The nurse i was with requested that i stay and help instead of attending PPE 
training (as i'd done it a few months before for casual job) so that was also nice.
I've honestly never felt more at ease nursing than when i'm nursing for these little people.

So in summary... i love it. Morale of my story is this:
I needed to get over my insecurities and know that i may not look to flash on paper (thanks to my 
own busy life and my own kiddies... no resentment there... can you tell?) but i DO know my stuff and i'm going to keep doing my absolute best because it's not over yet...
The struggle is real and it has really helped me see people for who they really are. There are those that are humble in their triumph over others... and then there are those who are fuck sticks about it... forgetting that they too were standing where i am only moments earlier...
It can't be helped. That is just who they are and i am not fleeting in my happiness for them. I am genuinely happy and one day when i am in the same position i will be mindful to consider those not as fortunate... as well as congratulating those that struggled hard for the position they gained. Celebrating is fine and essential but considerate celebrating is also kind. Every single person i have talked to has found this course a struggle at some point or another.... not one person is more deserving than another. If only the truth of the situation regarding the shortage of RNs was realised... then we'd all have jobs....

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Post 23- what the...?

Hello all!
I haven't written in a while because I was on HOLIDAYS!!!
I know, I know! HOLY SMOKES BATMAN... HOLIDAYS! But hold on... I did nothing exciting...!
I cleaned my house... thoroughly. And I'm ashamed to admit it but I was excited about it.
It's not finished but meh... what in life actually gets finished when you have 3 kids and two jobs and a husband who's arms are painted on when he enters the inside of the house..? NOTHING.
So yeah.. i did my best and it's still not good enough... but on with getting my degree.
I wanted to talk about two articles today. The first one is about a husband who is not attracted to his wife any more now that she is a sz 18+ (read it here);
Now to this guy... my heart went out. He still loves his wife in every way but finds he is no longer physically attracted to her because of this and instead of body shaming her, because he says she does that enough already, he seeks out the advice of others. Now this can be perceived two ways, which the comments clearly showed;
one: "What an arsehole. its for better or worse you mother fucking piece of shit!" this was also thrown around "what if she'd lost a limb huh? would you love her then?? shallow arsehole!!" So much hate for this dude. It got me thinking... This surely didn't happen over night. Does he not have a good enough relationship with his wife that he can actually just gently talk about it..? BUT I felt a connection with the other side of the story, His. Sure it's for better or worse but what about his happiness? He loves every other aspect of this woman. its just her size... and it is impacting the other areas. He wants to help her gently and safely but just doesn't know how. Now as a wife who feels like a fat lump, much to my husbands disagreement, i can totally understand trying to look good for my husband. that is what I want to do. But this woman must have some other serious shit going on to expand the way she has. I think that she needs help and he needs help. they all need help. She will end up in an early grave and no one wants that. The body is not designed to be overweight. The pressure on the functioning systems of the body is massively intensified. I have concern for this woman from a health perspective but i think that no amount of gym time or healthy eating is going to fix her... unless she sorts out the real cause of her weight gain which could be anything ranging from mental health to emotional well being. But as the husband mentions in the article, she has not been able to stick with the gyming. He could always join. i love working out with my husband. Its sexy to see all his muscles cranking! DELICIOUS.
Now, on the flip side is this article, which my husband doesn't even believe is real (you can read it here);
This article is written by a woman, who's size is not disclosed, but she talks about not being her perky 20 year old self after 3 kids and another 20 years BUT she says her husband never wanted to bang her, even in the beginning, after the initial honeymoon phase of the relationship had worn off! And she still married that dude. And had 3 kids. The issue here is he watches porn. A LOT. Like 4+ times a week according to this woman. He would rather iron one out solo than park it in his garage.
My mind boggled. What is going on here i thought...? what the actual fuck is wrong with this man? with this woman..? with any of it..? holy fucking not fucking!
She has threatened etc and it's gone nowhere. He loves to bat it out alone. She copped flack on this page, and so did he.. much like the other post.
Porn... Yes... i'm going to talk about my opinion of it. Porn is great if it's together or the other partner is comfortable and aware of what is going down solo. And by that I don't mean announcing every time you're going to go solo... I just mean that I feel the conversation needs to be had about what level is acceptable and both people are comfortable with. Porn is taboo... but guess what? so is miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, homosexuality and so many things. i feel these things are taboo for three reason; 1. Religion -thanks Catholicism for zipping the lips of anyone who has ever felt different of thought differently or 'failed' in your eyes, 2. the fear of offending one another.. truth about this is be tactful but don't lose who you are and come from a place of kindness. 3. fear of rejection and fear of failure- no one wants to be rejected of fail. this makes us vulnerable. no one likes to feel vulnerable and be open to hurt.
Now back to porn.. it's a conversation that needs to be had, otherwise people are going to get hurt, and more often than not.. the hurt person won't get the support from the offender because they don't see any issue.. all because the conversation was never had. Set the common ground.
Now back to the articles...what I really found interesting was that these two couples with their relationships could easily be the SAME couple.
 It's always easy to pass judgement with only half the facts, as so many of us do. HELL I even pass judgement just from the outfits I see out on the town sometimes...! But on my mission to suspend my judgement and become a well rounded nurse, all these thoughts came flooding to me at about 3am. So here I am smashing away the next day.
The biggest thing I noticed was the absolute death and crucifixion of communication. It was no where to be seen in either of these relationships.
It was GONE. And to speculate, I'd say that over time it just ran dry. You can only flog a dead horse/shout at a deaf mule for SO long before a bad case of the "fuck it" sets in.
I feel both these people need a good does of communication life support.
And i say this from a place that has had many a communication breakdown in their relationship.
I shut off my communication because I'm afraid to rock the boat... yeah laugh it up... I know you don't think of me  like that (those of you who know me) but with my family it's different.
With my husband it's different. It's not his fault. In the past, I was in an really bad relationship, and as a result of that I fear an angry partner. One day I won't and my current partner/husband will get the shock of his life because I said it the first time i was feeling it instead of locking it away in fear.
WOWSER... flood gates are open. i think thats enough about my past life and the shit that went down.
Moral of the story... be kind, be considerate and gain the full picture before offering 'helpful/judgemental' advice. And always try that shoe on the other foot... mmm shoes... shopping... nope. Got to stop it before my eyes glaze over.
Peace out.
G-dawg xx

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Post 22- Realness

Tonight something happened to me.
I went to the hospital to visit some really good, close friends and celebrate the arrival of their gorgeous newborn son.
In this same hospital, just over 10 years ago, merely 100 meters down the corridor, my gorgeous newborn son, first born only son, passed away.
Since that day, 10 long years ago, I had been avoiding the hospital for numerous reasons.
But tonight I went in with a heart of joy and happiness. My hands full of gifts for this new boy and his doting parents. What an amazing family unit they have become.
I was struck with mixed twangs of pain and excitement as the new parents asked me for any advice I had to help them survive this initial period. I once imagined that this would be me. It was hard.
I felt inexperienced giving advice, like somewhat of a fraud, as the feelings of failure and guilt have never really left me and I felt wrong giving them tips, as all my surviving babies were girls.
It was a huge fight for me to beat that inner voice and realise that these new parents respect me and admire the job I have done raising my girls and I should really do the same for myself.
Give myself a god damn break.
Holding their beautiful baby boy and listening to them starting their family life really hit me harder than I thought it would. So much so that it's after midnight and I was silently weeping on my couch and it was in such a good way... a way that made me realise I've been holding these feelings for far too long. In all honestly, how can I possibly expect to help others unless I have first known how to help myself and except help from others.
These friends of mine will make amazing parents. I'm so privileged to have them in my life and, without even knowing it, they've helped me to heal and what a surprise that was for me.
Goodnight all.
Be kind. x

Friday, 20 March 2015

post 21...! sounds like a debrief about getting old but it isn't.

hey everyone! my last two posts we a bit boohoo and real but what can you do really...? life happens and it gets sad... but it also gets all sorts of wonderful too! :) and that's what we can't forget.
The wonderful shit that comes with the bad.
And i've finally reached a point in my life where i'm happy with so much of it.
I have a gorgeous family, a beautiful house, great friends and a new car and a gorgeous pooch and i feel really full in my heart. 

And i'm finally on the career path that rocks my socks.
Since I last wrote, my Grandfather died. So much death... but this didn't make me sad. He was old and he was suffering. It made my mum sad and i hate that.
But all i can do is support her.

So this is my gratification post. I have a lot to be grateful for. I am able bodied. I am healthy. I am articulate, or so I'm told, I have my own belongings, I am free, I am loved, I am financially stable, although a couple of thousand here and there for a rainy day wouldn't be rejected...

You see... every day i am grateful. i don't strive after things that other people have. I am content with my own things and my own self.
It rocks my socks. I find myself being grateful for things more and more.
I am grateful. YAY ME!

ok... now that we've established i'm grateful.... lets talk about the things i'd rather not have in my life. like:

  • Fart smell in my bed that hits me like a fucking stick in the eye at shitful o'clock when i manage to slide in the sheets - cue sleeping husband
  • Public toileting in my private house-cue children. Just today i was trying to poop and one of my dearests brings a parcel into me on the toilet and drops it ON my foot and then cannot close the door again as the parcel is now in the way... FFS.
  • Sharing everything- i don't want to share the game on my phone with you child because my reputation/high score/winning streak is at stake. GO AWAY. i love you but go away.
  • Early morning rush- cue 3 kids getting ready to be flung out the door for the bus, half asleep still, grumpy as fuck and only just brushed and on that note:
  • School lunches- these fuckers have to happen EVERY god damn night. and no... before you start with your brainiac suggestions, I WILL not make them in the morning because morning is NOT my time to shine. It is my time to sleep because in the night time, after everyone else slinks off to bed, I then get some quiet time to study, clean, do fucking invoicing and undo the damage that they all (husband included) cause during the waking hours. So no, no lunches in the morning. I resent making them at all. The same shit everyday x3. And I try and spice it up and not give my kids processed packaged crap because #crapmum and #raisingdiabetes are not on my hash tag agenda.
  • Dodgy computer- I want a new one. Every time I have a serious assignment due... BOOM.. my computer is on the fucking fritz. And you, mouthy, with the big ideas again, I HAVE run every scan you can run and decluttered and defragged and defucked it as much as I can without taking every single program off of it, rendering it brain dead and turning it into a slab with lights.
  • Crappy unstable weather- Shape up for fucks sake. Don't bullshit me with cold in the morning when I leave and then bring out summers finest at lunch time when I haven't shaved under my fucking arms..! sure i'm not a wookie but I hate being hairy, its my personal choice and I choose not to be ok... so sort your shit out and don't fucking feminist shame me into wanting to be non-hairy either. Not to mention I'm now ridiculously sweltering in my winter attire now. Thanks a fuck load. ( I do love the sun though. SO MUCH).
I think that will probably do. Otherwise the universe might crack the poo's at me and be like 'bitch you're more unstable than an elderly lady in the wind' and smite me... but I said all my grateful's first so i'm safe!
Talk to you later, people.
And please, be kind. Too many bitches in the world. Don't be one.