Friday, 15 August 2014

Post 19- Conscious Ramblings about Grief

So this post isn't funny. I'm officially warning you now.
This post is about my feelings.
The feelings I am having after the sudden death of someone I loved and idolised from a very young age.
This person is Robin Williams.
Sure, I didn't know him personally, nor did I ever have the chance to interact with him on social media like I have with other celebrities, and this truly makes me sad.
I have been plagued with sadness about this all week long. I cannot help but feel it deep in my heart when I see a picture of him or watch a short video of him in his element... making people laugh.
I also now notice the sadness around his eyes. I originally struggled to comprehend how someone so incredibly funny and gifted could be so unhappy... but I unpacked it further and the thoughts came to me one morning at about 3am.
It was related back to my own family, on my mothers side. They all have a wicked sense of humour. Much the same as Robin. Some of my greatest laughs have been with them, but they developed this humour to mask things in their life that are hard and emotionally crippling. So to avoid being lost and controlled by these things that are inflicted upon them by life, they then in turn have leaned on humour and alcohol to escape the clutches of life itself. I know for a fact, had it not been the demons that they ran from or masked, that they would not be the hilarious, charismatic and caring people I know today.
And the more that people who actually knew Robin speak of him, the more this becomes evident.
The mask he wore hid his darkness so well.
I wrote this after seeing a post on fb with this picture:

'I think what makes this SO hard is that in this picture in particular its grief and despair on his face... I just want to give him a big hug... but I'm too late. I AM TOO LATE...! and that hurts me deep in my heart because so many times he has made me feel and experience wonderful things... and i cannot give back to him in anyway... I cannot help him. I feel... on some level.. like i have failed him. The world failed him and all he ever did was give his all to the collective happiness of the world.'

And just after I found out on the 11th August, I wrote this on my fb:
'Such a sad morning. #robinwilliams You will be missed. I'm sorry you got so lost in the internal darkness you could no longer see the light and felt you couldn't connect any more. Thanks for all the laughs. You really are one of a kind. I hope you feel lighter now and are surrounded by the light you brought to others so often. Rest in Peace.'

To me, honestly, I don't know why this is a huge deal. It feels like a close family member has died. It actually hurts in my heart. I don't get it. I cannot fathom why. I am feeling the feelings that someone who is grieving would feel. I am grieving. Someone I didn't know... but someone that touched my life in so many ways.
How do you come back from here? Will time really heal the hurts?
Robin was someone who took his own life because they had crossed the line between 'I'm ok' and 'I'm not ok'. I haven't been there. I have been just before that final stop. Just when you reach the point of non-existence.
Let me explain, the point where no one would overly notice or mind if you just faded away. You failed your purpose for being here so you should probably leave now. I'm not saying this is how others feel... it's how YOU(me) feel inside.
I felt this way after my son died. He was 20 weeks old. This is not a flash back in history and it is not about my life but I remember having no thought in the slightest about anything. I was a shell just commuting from one day to the next. I only have minor flashbacks about that time in my life. I call it the 'zombie stage'.
I remember it being like I'd just heard a really loud noise and all I could hear was the high pitched ringing in my ears... but it was my whole life. I was consumed for months by this hollow existence.
Robin, if your are in fact around in spirit form or heaven or whatever comes next, please know I am sorry. I am sorry you suffered silently. I'm sorry you took your own life. I'm sorry that you were alone. I'm sorry for so much... Please also know that I am eternally grateful for getting to know you through the various screens you appeared to me on and changed my life for the better.
I have noticed after each performance you blow a kiss to the crowd with outstretched arms, you then reach back in and clutch your heart, then reach back out as if to say 'thank you, our love is mutual'.
I hope you really felt how loved you were. When you took your life, I hope you did so knowing that the love for you runs so deep that mere mortals on the other side of the world would be struggling to deal with this news because you were loved SO much. You are truly a great man. Thank you for all you have done for everyone on the planet, including myself.
Rest in eternal peace, you've certainly earned it Robin Williams 21/07/51-11/08/14

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