Monday, 20 January 2014

post 15... the electronic friend... for adults only.

So this post is probably going to get my arse kicked by Andy-the husband. but it's a bit too funny not to share with you all.
i have tested it out on some close friends before releasing it to you... and they were laughing too hard to say don't post it so here it goes....
this story involves sex toys... if you are in any way shape or form against sexual pleasuring devices then CLOSE THE PAGE NOW.... like right now before i say something like dildo or anal beads or cock ring or whatever else toys you can buy... and there are HUNDREDS... THOUSANDS... beyonce has a gold plated dildo... i tell no lies...!
ANYWAY... this isn't about Queen B.
Let me set the scene... its a weekend morning.. early-ish. a beautiful day as the sun is already peeking through the curtains and i roll over to see the gorgeously tanned back of my husband... MMMM MMMM! muscles... and tan... and muscles and tan... and then he farts.... BUT i still love him and after the stench clears i give him a kiss on the shoulder and he rolls over and then... well i will spare you those details but we were kissing and stuff and yeah... so anyway after we've had a round or two we decide to get roger or russel-or whatever the hell we decided to jokingly refer to the dildo as- out of his secret, never to be found by kids hiding spot.
NOW ladies... confession time... i don't actually like him. He does minimal for me and he's more for Andy to get excited about me doing things with plastic/latex/vibrating boy bit. I cannot stand him. Husband= GREAT
Roger/Russell= Boring & tickly... and not in a fucking good way... in a 'stop tickling my vag or i will rip your guts out kind of way...!
SO we bought this toy for 'me' but really for Andy.
ANYWAY... we gave it a go... it gives me the tickly shits... not literal poo for those who are worried... just the 'feeling annoyed' kind of shits. So andy grabbed him out and pegged him on the floor and we kept at it with the good old gifts that god gave us... it was a doozey, i had a great time... so did andy. the proof is in the pudding...LOL sorry i couldn't resist!
ANYWAY we're all finished... we decide to lie in our own mess& snuggle back down for the cuddle... i turn to my side to find my undies that were strewn on the floor in the heat of the moment.... and the first thing i see is a little nest head. It's mimi (amielle-one of our 4yo twins) sitting there with her back to me. NOT saying anything. holy shitballs. i scruff my undies... and then we both say good morning to her super excitedly  hoping to cover up anything she may have heard...! she says good morning but doesn't turn around...
i then remember Roger/Russell...! i tilt my head to Andy to and quietly mention this... he jumps up and looks over the side of the bed and innocently as anything mimi, still facing the other way, holds Russell/Roger up in the air and says 'you mean this mummy?!?'
OH MY FUCKING GOD. i may have died inside a little from massive embarrassment.
Andy scruffed it off her and shoved it under our pillows. He was dry and clean thank god.
We had a little chuckle... because we didn't know what else to do.
After the bedroom was vacated a while later i pulled him out, washed him and put him back in his secret place. Never to be used when the kiddies are home... EVER...AGAIN.
i even stole his batteries for Lily's furby... i'm not sure if that is weird or not... batteries are batteries!!!
Roger/Russell now sleeps eternally...
The end.
This is me signing off... this also not child abuse or neglect... i checked. So there you go.

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