Here i am in my rambling state...
i have been absent for a few months... collaborating my thoughts and untangling my life that gets tangled daily.
Whilst i was away from here... from you... a few events happened. My twins 4th birthday, Andy's (my husband) 29th birthday, Christmas then happened followed closely by NYE and then my birthday.
i will most likely post on all of these but the one that sticks out in my mind at the moment is my birthday.
WHY..? i hear you ask.... well because its about me. No, that is not really it... although I'm sure some disgruntled females that are clearly disgruntled with me MAY argue that THAT is the reason... pfft whatever... flipping a virtual bird in your direction... if i cared about your opinion i would probably have dropped off the face of the earth long ago...!
Anyway i want to talk about a few things... the main one is that i got a lot of birthday messages on Facebook for my actual birthday! this was lovely. it made my day special and i appreciated it! lots of people left lovely thoughtful heartfelt messages... Tor Powell stole my heart with her message. that was amazing and I actually cried like a big baby. thanks tor! :P but in summarising the messages... i noticed a theme... the theme was that 75% of people that left me a birthday message referred to me in some descriptive form as 'crazy'...!
eg. 'happy birthday you crazy lady' or 'happy birthday Gracie. my life would be boring without your craziness in it..'. Now i don't know about you BUT when a large chunk of your friends start referring to you as crazy it sure as shit makes you feel... well... a bit crazy! I really took a good long look at myself... for all of about 15 mins and then i got bored... probably because I'm CRAZY...!
now i need to know... do they mean crazy as in psycho or crazy as in zany and up beat..? full of life and on this roller coaster like everyone else...? :/
So yes... that's what's been going on. this post is not overly funny. sorry...its just what's been going on and what i noticed.
When I was looking at myself I also noticed that I'm so critical of my body. I don't love it for what it is... for what it can do or has done. I hate it for the way it looks and the bits that wobble.
i keep reading all these things that tell me i should be kinder to myself and I share them on into Facebook world fully intending to practice what i preach but it is really difficult...! I fully believe and understand what they say and the negative effect i am having on myself and then in turn my daughters and their bodies but i cannot seem to stop the hate..! only one time in 2013 did i look in the mirror and think 'i actually look pretty smoking hot right now...'.
so i have been trying to trace the source of this negativity and i think it is from my catholic upbringing and the negativity that is thrust upon women in the church, then there was my mum... unfortunately she has always picked on herself for her weight and the way she looked and it really did have an effect on me... and the magazines... oh dear god shall we even dive into this. anyone who isn't living under a rock has heard the up roar of photo shopping/correcting already beautiful people to make them more beautiful.... its crap. it makes our lives harder and we STILL tolerate it by purchasing these magazines!
Now its all well and good for me to find the source of all this stuff but now it comes back to me... i am not one to play the blame game and for that i am actually taking responsibility for how i treat myself, despite what i have heard, observed and learnt from my upbringing, peers or the media because do you know what...?
THE FUCKING BUCK STOPS WITH ME!
so i'm doing it. i am changing it... it will be slow... it will be shit... at times... but i am going to learn to love myself. FUCK YOU HATE.
Now hold up... i'm not going to be some random up myself bitch... you can practice self love without being up yourself...! there is a massive difference and if i strive to be the best i can be to myself then all these other things that i tolerate in my life will eventually not be tolerated by me... because i love myself too god damn much to be treated like shit by 'friends' who fail to commit and treat me like shit and make me feel bad for it..! NO WAY GIRLFRIEND... your number(s) are up.
I am sick of the shit. i will not support it. As of now. this is it. Finished. Finite. Fin. F.
Do you know why..? Because...LIFE that's why.
Sorry once again that this post is not actually funny. it's still real... and hey... i am crazy remember...!