Sunday, 14 December 2014

Post 20- Things that have happened to me lately.

Ok so I haven't posted lately and this is because some intense things happened in my life.
This post isn't up to my usual hilarious standard of life... Sorry. Shits got real again.
My brother in-law (now ex) of 10 years was tragically killed in a motorbike accident in France. 
I have never felt more disconnected from being able to grieve and have closure. 
I found out about this the day before my first exam. 
It absolutely rocked my world and a new friend that I have made whilst doing this degree, Molly W-P was my absolute rock. She offered anything she possibly could to help me out. This woman is amazing and is going through her own trials and tribulations but the whole time still thinks of others and is the prime example of a giving soul. A true nurse. I'm so pleased to be able to call her my friend. She was with me when I found out... And was checking in on me everyday. Thank you babe. X
Erin Whyte was also a huge support and study buddy from heaven. She pushed me, in a good way, to get my shit together and still push through with my exams despite me crying constantly for a week, even in my sleep so I've been told. Thank you, erin. X
Also, to all my beautiful nurse friends that have built my foundation strong. Thank you.
Molly H, Elise, Renee, Carrie, Nads, Clare, Ruby, Bec and the list goes on! You keep me strong. X
My heart was truly broken. 
Since this event I have pulled my mangled heart back together and forced it forward. I have gone about seeking closure in my own way and with my family. We may be weird, but we are one strong family unit. This very day I still tear up when I think of Alexis and all the things left behind but to him dying was just a small feat in the trail of the beautiful life he lead and all the countries he explored so thoroughly. And I thank him for taking my sister's heart in his hands and showing her the world and then that in turn allowed her to develop and evolve herself like nothing else could.
Thank you Ton Ton for all you taught us. For all the good times and the bad and the crazy.
Now today, I received a text message from a friend to let me know that a former class mate had passed away. 
After talking with other class mates on fb I found out it was a heart attack. 
28 and heart attack. This was, however, not the start and end of his struggle.
He had cheated death before and this makes it even worse. He'd come out the other side of debilitating health issues to live a normal life in the clear. This made everyone so happy for him.
He had another shot at living life to the full... And then to have it cut short again is a huge shock.
I was speaking to him a few months ago and he was really happy with how his life was progressing.
He'd had it tough. Rough times in high school with acceptance and with his health. 
We went to the graduation together. It was great. He wore the matrix tux. It was an absolutely great night. He kindly informed me that when I was dancing my dress was see-through when the light was behind me. We then laughed a lot. I miss those times of a simpler life. You always referred to me as cousin, because we shared two! And for this I'm truly appreciative of. Thank you for our unique connection.
He passed away on the dance floor... Having the time of his life which allows me to feel a slight glimmer of light...
And if I get totally honest with this situation, I don't want to bury another person my age. 
It hurts too damn much. 
It's not fair and I'm letting life know that I'm not ok with it. 
We'd grown distant too which is plaguing me. I know it happens but that feeling of the time you would invest if you knew it's all you had left... I cannot really even process what has happened. 
To your family, I send all the support, prayers and compassion to them. Anything they need I will be happy to accommodate to the best of my ability.

Something I don't like about the degree I'm doing is that now I know too much. I know exactly what failed his body and the worst part is I can find out what could have helped. It is a learned skill but I find it not so helpful when dealing with the loss of a loved one.
This degree is taking over my life and I'm extremely privileged to have this opportunity but it's really taking its toll on me, in more ways than one. I'm not alone feeling this way either. Everyone is feeling the strain. We get two weeks off over Christmas but I feel that it may add insult to injury. 
And I do miss learning when I'm not doing it. And it's only for two years. 
I am trying so hard to not get swallowed up in the stress and the grief and the over all consumption of the flow of life.
For the sake of the people who have had life taken from them. For them I will live my life to the fullest in their memory and honour and not take my opportunity for granted. 
For this reason I want to be the best nurse I can be. 
And yes, I want to save everyone but I know that can't happen but at least I can try with all I have...!

Friday, 15 August 2014

Post 19- Conscious Ramblings about Grief

So this post isn't funny. I'm officially warning you now.
This post is about my feelings.
The feelings I am having after the sudden death of someone I loved and idolised from a very young age.
This person is Robin Williams.
Sure, I didn't know him personally, nor did I ever have the chance to interact with him on social media like I have with other celebrities, and this truly makes me sad.
I have been plagued with sadness about this all week long. I cannot help but feel it deep in my heart when I see a picture of him or watch a short video of him in his element... making people laugh.
I also now notice the sadness around his eyes. I originally struggled to comprehend how someone so incredibly funny and gifted could be so unhappy... but I unpacked it further and the thoughts came to me one morning at about 3am.
It was related back to my own family, on my mothers side. They all have a wicked sense of humour. Much the same as Robin. Some of my greatest laughs have been with them, but they developed this humour to mask things in their life that are hard and emotionally crippling. So to avoid being lost and controlled by these things that are inflicted upon them by life, they then in turn have leaned on humour and alcohol to escape the clutches of life itself. I know for a fact, had it not been the demons that they ran from or masked, that they would not be the hilarious, charismatic and caring people I know today.
And the more that people who actually knew Robin speak of him, the more this becomes evident.
The mask he wore hid his darkness so well.
I wrote this after seeing a post on fb with this picture:

'I think what makes this SO hard is that in this picture in particular its grief and despair on his face... I just want to give him a big hug... but I'm too late. I AM TOO LATE...! and that hurts me deep in my heart because so many times he has made me feel and experience wonderful things... and i cannot give back to him in anyway... I cannot help him. I feel... on some level.. like i have failed him. The world failed him and all he ever did was give his all to the collective happiness of the world.'

And just after I found out on the 11th August, I wrote this on my fb:
'Such a sad morning. #robinwilliams You will be missed. I'm sorry you got so lost in the internal darkness you could no longer see the light and felt you couldn't connect any more. Thanks for all the laughs. You really are one of a kind. I hope you feel lighter now and are surrounded by the light you brought to others so often. Rest in Peace.'

To me, honestly, I don't know why this is a huge deal. It feels like a close family member has died. It actually hurts in my heart. I don't get it. I cannot fathom why. I am feeling the feelings that someone who is grieving would feel. I am grieving. Someone I didn't know... but someone that touched my life in so many ways.
How do you come back from here? Will time really heal the hurts?
Robin was someone who took his own life because they had crossed the line between 'I'm ok' and 'I'm not ok'. I haven't been there. I have been just before that final stop. Just when you reach the point of non-existence.
Let me explain, the point where no one would overly notice or mind if you just faded away. You failed your purpose for being here so you should probably leave now. I'm not saying this is how others feel... it's how YOU(me) feel inside.
I felt this way after my son died. He was 20 weeks old. This is not a flash back in history and it is not about my life but I remember having no thought in the slightest about anything. I was a shell just commuting from one day to the next. I only have minor flashbacks about that time in my life. I call it the 'zombie stage'.
I remember it being like I'd just heard a really loud noise and all I could hear was the high pitched ringing in my ears... but it was my whole life. I was consumed for months by this hollow existence.
Robin, if your are in fact around in spirit form or heaven or whatever comes next, please know I am sorry. I am sorry you suffered silently. I'm sorry you took your own life. I'm sorry that you were alone. I'm sorry for so much... Please also know that I am eternally grateful for getting to know you through the various screens you appeared to me on and changed my life for the better.
I have noticed after each performance you blow a kiss to the crowd with outstretched arms, you then reach back in and clutch your heart, then reach back out as if to say 'thank you, our love is mutual'.
I hope you really felt how loved you were. When you took your life, I hope you did so knowing that the love for you runs so deep that mere mortals on the other side of the world would be struggling to deal with this news because you were loved SO much. You are truly a great man. Thank you for all you have done for everyone on the planet, including myself.
Rest in eternal peace, you've certainly earned it Robin Williams 21/07/51-11/08/14

POST 18!!!! i discovered something interesting the other day....

***I do want to put a blog up about feelings soon, especially regarding the tragic passing of Robin Williams but I will do so when it is ready. Not unconscious ramblings spewed out. He deserves better than that. ***
So as the title suggests... I discovered something interesting the other day.
It is actually a huge thing, that shapes a large part of my life... and I only just got it now...!
I know... I know. don't judge me for being realistically challenged OK... everything happens in good time.
So I know you;re wondering what I discovered... well buckle up because here it is...
I have an actual TYPE.
TA DA! are you still reading or have you closed the page because I'm a lame arse..?
if you ARE still reading... HELLO.... and thanks for staying...
So lets unpack (a nursing phrase used all the time... look at me nursing the shit outta life!!) this further...
I love my husband. I could sex him all day. ALL DAY. TMI...? too bad jealous. I love everything about him... except when he does silent farts in the car and WAITS for it to hit me... :/
ANYWAY... I love him. He is tasty...but I realised that he is MY type. My actual perfect type.
I hadn't ever thought about types in depth before.
Types? I hear you ask.... are you on crack? I also hear you ask. Well...yes I'm on crack... crack being bananas. Find your crack people. I've found mine and I'm never going back...!
OK lets break it down... a type when referring to a person means a particular set of things that you are looking for/attracted to*
So my type, as it turns out is: tanned, dark hair, slim/slender build, tall, and blue eyes (or so i thought) and of a tradie occupation.... BUT Andy has brown eyes and they are the best eyes I have EVER seen.
They are the same colour as Edwards eyes on twilight before they go creepy red.
Now the fascinating thing about this was I thought instinctively that my type was: tanned, blonde, green/blue eyes, surfer... and if I was ever asked what my type was I would automatically reply the above mentioned answer... pre rehearsed and ready.
But I have never really ever dated anyone like this.... sure I have kinda dated some guys like this.... and pashed a few and had some flings with a few but nope.
All the guys i have dated that i was serious about fit 90% of these guide lines... except Lily's dad... he was just... Lily's dad as it happens. Funny how some things that you wouldn't normally do (literally speaking too hahaha... get it...? 'do'... yeah OK... moving on... dad jokes aside) turn out to affect you life so dramatically... in this case.. in the shape of a child...!
So that is interesting.... but I also noticed how none of these relationships lasted... they all went for 2 years at the most and only that long because there was distance... like we didn't share accommodation or work requirements etc.
I mean hey... I know you're thinking maybe I'm just a difficult bitch and you can't live with me... but I don't think that's it. I get along with women folk just fine in the house sharing and I have more male friends than you could poke a stick at... I get along with men just great! So now... little peso (pessimistic) that's NOT the issue...!
i think the issue was that NONE of them were Andy.... yep no Einstein work there. NONE OF THEM WERE MEANT TO WORK. PERIOD. as in full stop... not menstruation.
So yeah I don't mean to get all physiological on your arse but there you go... According to me and my numerous failed romances... it didn't work out because I didn't consciously know what my type was... until Andy... i had never seriously dated anyone with brown eyes before. I am fascinating.
This whole type phenomenon came about because I have been investigating other people types in my spare time. I have some very dear friends who are in the dating game and types is a hot topic of conversation and it is thanks to them I even had this whole brainwave/realisation moment.
So thanks ladies... you know who you are. And trolling tinder with you is one of my favourite things to do!
So many good times to be had at the expense of others...!!! :) and if guys are reading this... don't put a dick pic on there as your profile pic under the name "large"... nobody is going to go there.... trust me... I can assure you!
OK I'm signing off now! Sorry this isn't super hilarious... just my brain/life things atm.
Share the love. G. xx

*definition reference: me. because i'm just that intellectual, and i should probably reference my parents and my school for teaching me words and their meanings.

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

Post 17... SUSPENDING JUDGEMENT... well I'm trying to OK...!

Hello ALL!
I have been doing some serious thinking lately..
you see... embarking on this registered nurse journey makes me think about EVERYTHING now...
Every stupid thing. It makes me consider what other people may have been feeling when they acted certain ways and i now also look at peoples social aspects contributing onto there life...! It's doing my head in because some people... YES some people you just want to HATE! and I don't mean actually hate... i mean greatly despise. The reason...I hear you ask...? Well that can be anything from they look like a douche to the fact they behave like a self righteous twat... I'm not the maker or ultimate decider of who makes the like/don't like cut in your world... that is YOUR call...BUT what I'm getting at here is that I think it's important to have people you despise and dislike.. it makes the people you DO love and like so much more awesome.
Anyway I thought I would talk about some reasons I dislike others... I'll allow you to get a beverage and a snack before I begin... off you go.
OK welcome back...
1.I don't like some people because they judge others to soon.
How hypocritical is this..? Here I am judging others because they judge others. GET A FUCKING GRIP GRACE. I do this... but I try not to do this...! If that makes sense....

2. They sound annoying.
Their voice... WTF is with that whining voice. And it's always a voice that insists on being heard even when they have actually nothing to contribute to anything except the sound of their voice making a nonsense statement. This gives me the shits... OK... of course they can't actually ALWAYS help the sound their voice makes... (sometimes they CAN...!) so for this I tolerate their bullshit noise and try and look interested as their voice comes out of their head hole.

3. Others judging others for the clothes they wear.
This is a total bitch debate. I don't give a rats arse what other people wear as long as they don't inflict their shit onto me. I DO, however, get furious hearing others judge others about their fashion or their repeated fashion choices. If I hear this shit coming out of your mouth... we will not be friends... unless we are drunk sitting in the corner of a club judging others drunkenness.. that is totally allowed.

4. Your hair gets on my shit.
If you have a mane of gorgeous locks.... please keep it to yourself....!
I do not want your hair on, in or around any of my shit. Get it together or chop it the fuck off.
I'd like to point out that I don't dislike people with long hair... it's quite the opposite. I LOVE their hair... just get it off my stuff and we will be sweet.

5. Your perfume punches me in the nostrils.
I just met you like 5 seconds ago but 30 seconds BEFORE I met you... I met your pungent aroma known as 'perfume'. If I can taste it... you're using too much. If I can smell it before I even see you...we are not friends. Just because it's not body odour poisoning my senses does not mean I am enjoying it. Get your shit together.

6. Clicky clack shoes
OK this one is another total bitch pants on my behalf...but if we are going somewhere quiet TOGETHER... say like an exam... and you are planning on leaving early because you are just so 'shit hot' PLEASE do not wear clicky clack shoes that disrupt the whole exam... unless of course this is your master plan to be noticed.. in which case... GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER... the glares of fellow exam goers should have been enough to send you sprinting out of there like a fucking horse on a beach! FFS. As a fellow heel wearer... I know that you can avoid clicky clacking.

7. Sniffing or excessive throat clearing
SORT THAT SHIT OUT! this may have stemmed from my mentioning exams just before... but seriously... either cough it up, have a drink or blow it the fuck out. Using a tissue is nothing to be ashamed of. Having a good old hack it up session is OK too...
just try to do it in the loo or somewhere as SOME people may not like it so much in their faces... me... I don't give to rats as long as none of it gets ON me. ( I know I have a lot to learn... I AM going to be a nurse after all but shhh... I'll get there).

8. First world problems
I am guilty of this... sort of. If Andy is being a shit it feels like it can ruin my life... BUT I get a hold of my boat of life and steer it back onto the path of 'fuck you, fuck what you do and fuck off there is no way you are controlling how I feel!'. So that fixes that. I used to think some things that are not important were important.. but i cut that shit out at about 16-17. Life got real and shook me the fuck up. i realised that my shit is so minor compared to other peoples... and no I'm not saying 'you should compare yourselves to others...blah blah' what I'm saying is... get a fucking reality check and be thankful for all that you DO have! Don't focus on the poo... or you'll drown in shit. Focus on the good and rise above it.. and whilst your rising be sure to stick your first world problem FB status up your arsehole :) THANKSSSSSS

9. People who do not spray a moderate amount of  air freshener
WTF is wrong with these people..? EVERYONE'S SHIT SMELLS. acknowledge this fact and stop making me taste your shit. NO one deserves that. especially in a public or shared toilet.... NOT OK. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER and cover your shit smell. Go and look up
You're welcome. Thank me later. Seriously. BLERGH....!

I cannot stress how much this makes me want to get hold of you around your throat and squeeze and shake until you promise to stop your blatant LIES. Not only is it counter productive to well... EVERYTHING... it also makes people hate you for being you.. which is a bed of lies. And lying about stupid stuff.. PLEASE! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Do not lie. The end. Did your parents or teachers or sesame street fail to get this through to you..? I got it. How did you NOT get it? DO NOT FUCKING DO IT. I enjoy finding out about people who lie.. especially when they expose their own lies... AS lies...! FUCK THAT. I don't lie! I don't have time! I'm way too busy having a real life to lie about one I don't have. STOP IT. STOP. IT. BITCH.
On the note of telling lies etc... check this out!!

There are probably so many more but i am writing this post to help myself stop judging people and better myself as a human being. Don't hate me for being honest about things that I am too quick to judge on.... except LYING... do that shit and we are done like a fucking dinner. BOOM.
I am trying to better myself OK. That is the message here... I will read back over this in a few months and be all like 'look I don't judge you any more for that! :) I am such a nice person'. See... winning.
Until next time lovers... G xx

Sunday, 11 May 2014

Post 16... a complete boob or how about two...?!

Hello everyone!!!
how are you going..?
I am good. Busy as a bitch but I'm good.
I have been doing fast track nursing at university.
it keeps me so busy. It's a new venture I'm exploring. A new career for me.
Any career for me would be amazing really... so I chose this. I don't even really remember why!
oh yes I do.. I want to be a midwife.
Some people might think that's crazy. who wants to stare at women's vaginas IN action..? I do. but in all honesty... it's not about the vagina. To me... it about the woman and the baby. Helping a woman do something extraordinary whilst she is at her must vulnerable. I want to be her voice, her friend, her confidant, and her health professional. It's an amazing time in a woman's life! who wouldn't want to be there..? In saying that I know that it will be hard at times... like REALLY hard. babies may die... Mothers may die... but I want to be there to make sure I did everything possible to help everything go smoothly.
WOWSER... this post is so serious and grown up...
well do not fear... I am about to tell you what else I have been up to lately...
SNAP CHAT. have you heard of it..? its's an app. (if you don't know what an app is... please take a moment to get your palm... outstretch it in front of your face.... now with a flicking action hit yourself in the face with your palm.. this is a face palm. it coincides with acts of complete and utter stupidity of daftness. GET EDUCATED. google 'app'). Snapchat is an app where you can take a pic and send it to someone and it only last for a maximum of 10 seconds.... Unless like me you add it to your 'story' where it lasts for 24 hrs and viewers can view it multiple times....! (fucking fail alert...)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAnyway... I am a good wife. I try my hardest to keep the flame alive... admittedly I don't have to try very hard with randy andy about..." example: I was wearing my sheep onesie to bed. I got REALLY hot and unzipped the front whilst half asleep. Andy woke up later in the night, went to the loo and upon returning saw a boob out.... this was all he needed to accost me in my sheep onesie....! I had no chance. No escape. He had seen the prize..."
So back on the tale of the chats with the snaps... I try to keep it interesting by sending him naked pics of myself... well my boobs and some times my buns... just because he likes them... and I like him. It's obvious. It works. It's hilarious seeing us trying to 'do' modern sexy. He sent me an amazing one of himself at Christmas time..! He was naked and tanned on the boat with 3 crayfish after going diving and my stupid drunk hand was too slow to screen shot it! he looked like something out of a magic mike movie!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY... totally off topic...
So today... I decided to snap chat de boobies in their glory in the shower and send them to andy.... Turns out... with the new update of snapchat the buttons are different... they did have some tutorial video... but who needs that I hear you scoff...?!?! ME. I NEED IT. I NEEDED IT TODAY MORE THAN EVER.
Because...I successfully sent a picture of my titties and my naked self in the shower to 250 people.
Best part was... I didn't even know I'd done it until I received two replies back.. one saying I'd made their day... the other saying any more than one boob is being rude or cheeky or I don't even remember because it was at that very pivotal moment I had realised what I had done and I started to get that pinging sound in the ears... like after a large explosion... my hands got all sweaty and I was short of breath...!
I tried to delete it but couldn't work it out...! I was naked... well I had my towel on and wet hands... and a shower cap... because I'm SO sexy.... and I called Andy as fast as I could! I seriously wanted to die. edit undo was no where to found!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! each precious second it was there was another second more people were able to see my boobies!!! MY boobies! they belong to me and Andy...! Speaking of which... he answered. And then...
He laughed... and laughed and laughed... and when he finished laughing... laughed some more.
He told me to google it... so I ran to my computer...nearly breaking my neck because my feet were wet.
I clicked on google chrome and NOTHING. the bastard wouldn't load... my computer was FROZEN!!!!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKK! what a disaster!!!! it was at this point I think Andy felt a bit sorry for me so he looked up how to do it on his phone because I was in such a flap. he told me how to do it.. which made NO sense! so he tried again and read it out slowly and finally on my third try of understanding this flaming app... IT WAS GONE!
BOOBIES DOWN....I REPEAT..... BOOBIES DOWN! omg... talk about stressful!!!
However... Andy then took it upon himself to text me and say (insert bogan voice) 'show us ya tits!!'
Not hilarious. Not even remotely. But knowing me... I decided to laugh at myself and my boobie blunder because if I didn't I would most certainly cry...!
I posted an apology on fb... and it has taken off like wild fire. I'm also happy people can laugh with me (most likely at me) and my mistakes! I'm certainly going to take snap chat easy for a while...!!!
I'm too scared to go there again! :p
have a great life till we are conversing again :D
yay... LIFE. I'm clearly winning at it!

Monday, 20 January 2014

post 15... the electronic friend... for adults only.

So this post is probably going to get my arse kicked by Andy-the husband. but it's a bit too funny not to share with you all.
i have tested it out on some close friends before releasing it to you... and they were laughing too hard to say don't post it so here it goes....
this story involves sex toys... if you are in any way shape or form against sexual pleasuring devices then CLOSE THE PAGE NOW.... like right now before i say something like dildo or anal beads or cock ring or whatever else toys you can buy... and there are HUNDREDS... THOUSANDS... beyonce has a gold plated dildo... i tell no lies...!
ANYWAY... this isn't about Queen B.
Let me set the scene... its a weekend morning.. early-ish. a beautiful day as the sun is already peeking through the curtains and i roll over to see the gorgeously tanned back of my husband... MMMM MMMM! muscles... and tan... and muscles and tan... and then he farts.... BUT i still love him and after the stench clears i give him a kiss on the shoulder and he rolls over and then... well i will spare you those details but we were kissing and stuff and yeah... so anyway after we've had a round or two we decide to get roger or russel-or whatever the hell we decided to jokingly refer to the dildo as- out of his secret, never to be found by kids hiding spot.
NOW ladies... confession time... i don't actually like him. He does minimal for me and he's more for Andy to get excited about me doing things with plastic/latex/vibrating boy bit. I cannot stand him. Husband= GREAT
Roger/Russell= Boring & tickly... and not in a fucking good way... in a 'stop tickling my vag or i will rip your guts out kind of way...!
SO we bought this toy for 'me' but really for Andy.
ANYWAY... we gave it a go... it gives me the tickly shits... not literal poo for those who are worried... just the 'feeling annoyed' kind of shits. So andy grabbed him out and pegged him on the floor and we kept at it with the good old gifts that god gave us... it was a doozey, i had a great time... so did andy. the proof is in the pudding...LOL sorry i couldn't resist!
ANYWAY we're all finished... we decide to lie in our own mess& snuggle back down for the cuddle... i turn to my side to find my undies that were strewn on the floor in the heat of the moment.... and the first thing i see is a little nest head. It's mimi (amielle-one of our 4yo twins) sitting there with her back to me. NOT saying anything. holy shitballs. i scruff my undies... and then we both say good morning to her super excitedly  hoping to cover up anything she may have heard...! she says good morning but doesn't turn around...
i then remember Roger/Russell...! i tilt my head to Andy to and quietly mention this... he jumps up and looks over the side of the bed and innocently as anything mimi, still facing the other way, holds Russell/Roger up in the air and says 'you mean this mummy?!?'
OH MY FUCKING GOD. i may have died inside a little from massive embarrassment.
Andy scruffed it off her and shoved it under our pillows. He was dry and clean thank god.
We had a little chuckle... because we didn't know what else to do.
After the bedroom was vacated a while later i pulled him out, washed him and put him back in his secret place. Never to be used when the kiddies are home... EVER...AGAIN.
i even stole his batteries for Lily's furby... i'm not sure if that is weird or not... batteries are batteries!!!
Roger/Russell now sleeps eternally...
The end.
This is me signing off... this also not child abuse or neglect... i checked. So there you go.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

post 14... sounds like i'm in the army..!

Here i am in my rambling state...
i have been absent for a few months... collaborating my thoughts and untangling my life that gets tangled daily.
Whilst i was away from here... from you... a few events happened. My twins 4th birthday, Andy's (my husband) 29th birthday, Christmas then happened followed closely by NYE and then my birthday.
i will most likely post on all of these but the one that sticks out in my mind at the moment is my birthday.
WHY..? i hear you ask.... well because its about me. No, that is not really it... although I'm sure some disgruntled females that are clearly disgruntled with me MAY argue that THAT is the reason... pfft whatever... flipping a virtual bird in your direction... if i cared about your opinion i would probably have dropped off the face of the earth long ago...!
Anyway i want to talk about a few things... the main one is that i got a lot of birthday messages on Facebook for my actual birthday! this was lovely. it made my day special and i appreciated it! lots of people left lovely thoughtful heartfelt messages... Tor Powell stole my heart with her message. that was amazing and I actually cried like a big baby. thanks tor! :P but in summarising the messages... i noticed a theme... the theme was that 75% of people that left me a birthday message referred to me in some descriptive form as 'crazy'...!
eg. 'happy birthday you crazy lady' or 'happy birthday Gracie. my life would be boring without your craziness in it..'. Now i don't know about you BUT when a large chunk of your friends start referring to you as crazy it sure as shit makes you feel... well... a bit crazy! I really took a good long look at myself... for all of about 15 mins and then i got bored... probably because I'm CRAZY...!
now i need to know... do they mean crazy as in psycho or crazy as in zany and up beat..? full of life and on this roller coaster like everyone else...? :/
So yes... that's what's been going on. this post is not overly funny. sorry...its just what's been going on and what i noticed.
When I was looking at myself I also noticed that I'm so critical of my body. I don't love it for what it is... for what it can do or has done. I hate it for the way it looks and the bits that wobble.
i keep reading all these things that tell me i should be kinder to myself and I share them on into Facebook world fully intending to practice what i preach but it is really difficult...! I fully believe and understand what they say and the negative effect i am having on myself and then in turn my daughters and their bodies but i cannot seem to stop the hate..! only one time in 2013 did i look in the mirror and think 'i actually look pretty smoking hot right now...'.
so i have been trying to trace the source of this negativity and i think it is from my catholic upbringing and the negativity that is thrust upon women in the church, then there was my mum... unfortunately she has always picked on herself for her weight and the way she looked and it really did have an effect on me... and the magazines... oh dear god shall we even dive into this. anyone who isn't living under a rock has heard the up roar of photo shopping/correcting already beautiful people to make them more beautiful.... its crap. it makes our lives harder and we STILL tolerate it by purchasing these magazines!
Now its all well and good for me to find the source of all this stuff but now it comes back to me... i am not one to play the blame game and for that i am actually taking responsibility for how i treat myself, despite what i have heard, observed and learnt from my upbringing, peers or the media because do you know what...?
so i'm doing it. i am changing it... it will be slow... it will be shit... at times... but i am going to learn to love myself. FUCK YOU HATE.
Now hold up... i'm not going to be some random up myself bitch... you can practice self love without being up yourself...! there is a massive difference and if i strive to be the best i can be to myself then all these other things that i tolerate in my life will eventually not be tolerated by me... because i love myself too god damn much to be treated like shit by 'friends' who fail to commit and treat me like shit and make me feel bad for it..! NO WAY GIRLFRIEND... your number(s) are up.
I am sick of the shit. i will not support it. As of now. this is it. Finished. Finite. Fin. F.
Do you know why..? Because...LIFE that's why.
Sorry once again that this post is not actually funny. it's still real... and hey... i am crazy remember...!