Friday, 2 August 2013

Blog 12.... im sitting in maccas feeling like poo.

Ok so I'm posting this on my phone..... it may turn to shit because my phone seems to chop words off and change them into different things AFTER I have typed the whole word an pressed space bar.... its a tricky fucker. And who In gods name has the time to proof read everything 3 times with great detail... not I.
Anyway.... I thought I would write about andy & my first date because he is being a turd atm and the best way to not hate him for his shitness is to think of fonder times....!
Ok so... we went to maccas... seems fitting as that's where I am right now... letting my kids burn some energy in a dry play area, cheaper than those actual indoor play areas where kids run havoc & I'm sure those places have numerous diseases live there permanently.
Ok so maccas. I had lily, who was one. Where do u take a one year old who is also on the first date...? So maccas it was.
No one could babysit till later in the evening. so at about 5 pm we headed there to get some food. She played for a little bit and andy carried her to & from the car... which he was super nervous about as he had never held a child before. I didn't really even consider this until he mentioned it later. So we dropped lily off at mums at about 6.30. We then frigged around there for a while talking to mum & doing the giant cross word, which i later found out andy hated but did anyway,  until about 10pm. Then we decided to watch some movies at Andys house because his parents were away... so we left mums. And we HAD to get some alcohol.... I was so nervous... so we went to the warratah that was a 24/7 bottle o, as 9/11 was not really close at that time....All those many years ago.
I wanted a 4 pack of vodka cruiser ice & andy was getting something else....
He hoped out of the car.... I was sitting there In his BMW convertible...alone.... With the roof on. Safe. Safe to let rip a huge deadly fart.... a hot burning my cheeks fart...safe... done...or so I thought...! After letting rip for what seemed like forever I was then disturbed by a tapping at the window..  it was andy. I hesitated. I realized I hadn't thought about how to get the smell out before he got back.... but he was already back... at MY door...! Fark. Fark Fark farkity FAAAARRRRK.
edit undo was not going to cut it. 'What?' I mouthed trying to not actually take in any air... I couldn't hear him. My attempts were frugal. He then opened the door as the electric windows didn't work because the ignition was off.... oh drat & dread. Too late now.
I watch his beautiful face change from peaceful & calm to somewhat confused and hostile... his warm brown eyes slowly fill with water as he relayed the message to me that they didn't have the ice flavour I requested...
What should I do..?? He is clearly being swamped in the face, full frontal style, by my toxic bottom air. Air from my arse. This gorgeous man... was smelling my arse air. Oh god. I am dying....He is also clearly dying...! I asked him for any flavour except guava as that tastes like body odor...! (Seriously does... I shit u not). He turned to walk away.... not knowing what the fuck had just swamped his senses... and the I called out sheepishly & said 'oh andy.... I farted. It really smells. I'm sorry.'
He smiled and then laughed a little and said 'thank god for that cause I wasn't sure what was going on!'
And that was the end of that. I bet you thought I was going to talk about an embarrassing sex story... nope. We didn't bang for ages. He was a gentlemen & I was a lady....! Except for my farting.... but hey... could be worse.
And now we married with lots of kids. 6 years on...
Now I fart on him I the bed... and pretend I'm asleep...! :D

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