Wednesday, 24 October 2012

blog 6!

omg peeps! its blog number 6. sorry its over a month since my last post! life has been a bit crazy town here...
ok so this time i have some things to discuss and question...
i went out on the town the other week. i go out like once or twice a month usually for special occasions.
i HATE it, unless i'm totally maggot, it sucks balls. It comprises of hours of getting ready, which i honestly have reduced to 30 mins cauz i'm married now and really don't give a flying fark about my over all appearance to anyone. i now don't wear dresses if it is any sort of cold because 1. i have to shave my forest legs, which over the colder months become old growth forests and 2. after the shaving i have to apply layers and layers of fake tan because i am SO white... a tinted moisturiser will simply not cut it!
so no dresses unless it is the height of summer. it is jeans and a nice top. i still wear the killer heels tho. i love them and if the right amount of drinks are consumed then they're not so killer after all.

anyway after all of this glamming is done is time to go out and walk around and spend lots of money i can't afford on drinks that are watered down and then i dance in my painful shoes only to get hit on by little 18 year old boys! dude! i'm nearly old enough to be your mother... in a sick world... but you get my drift!!
ANYWAY... i went out a few weekends ago and was sitting in a nice club having a watered down drink when i started to look around and realise that 99.9% of the girls in there had SUPER short shorts, play-suits and skirts on....! i felt like i was at a continental breakfast display!!! what is fresh hell is going on..?!? there was absolutely nothing left to the imagination and a few particular girls i could actually SEE flaps!!! FLAPS!!!!!!! WTFFFFFFFFF!!!! i was shocked. i was also a bit 'out of it' so i couldn't hid e the look of shock on my face and i sat there for what seemed like 10 minutes with my mouth wide open... it was like being at a car accident... you don't want to look anymore but you just can't look away!!!

so here i am feeling like a complete douche, mouth wide open. i must have looked like an idiot because a very attractive buff bouncer whom was standing next to where i was sitting asked me if i was ok...! i was SOOOOOOOO embarrassed but i just had to ask him how long this fashion shit had been going on..! he said it had only been since the beginning of winter and that he hated it too. that was such a relief! i wasn't the only nanna sitting there. then i had weird vision of us in a nursing home discussing the weirdness of the young people. the strangest thing is this... as i've gotten older. i WANT to go to bed at a reasonable hour. i LONG for my electric blanket and flannie pjs and slippers and movies at home on the couch. i HATE going out a lot, special occasions SURE but just cause..?!?! NO WAY.
i can't afford it. i want to wake up in the morning not hungover because i'm not 18 anymore and i cannot just 'work' through an hangover... i am totally farked ALL day!! ALL DAY. and when you have kids... its just not worth it. not one single person will willingly look after your kids for a full evening and day for you to recover from your hangover. i used to love it but now my priorities have changed...! i love sleep. i love lazy days and not waking up feeling like i've eaten a handful of cotton wool balls!!
so there you have it... flaps and all.
its not hilarious this time... its just me realising i'm ageing... unfortunately!!

Monday, 17 September 2012

blog 5

hello hello!!
sorry i have not posted for a while! i have been busy doing... things.
lately some things have been drawn to my attention.
spewing, as in vomiting and pooping.

EVERY single person knows that dreaded moment when you're either pooping or vomiting and then...SPLOOSH. the toilet water comes up and either hits you in one or all of three places...
1. the face-usually if you're vomiting. if you we're pooping and this happened i would be extremely inquisitive.
2. the wee hole- for men this depends if you do the old 'tuck and hold' whilst pooping.
3. the arsehole- smack bang, 100% on target, bidet (toilet washing apparatus) style wash of toilet water shot from the bowl by the force of the poo hitting the water and right up to your bum! one and three do not usually occur at the same time but hey.. who am i to judge! u can poo how ever you like!
the next thing i'm going to talk about on this topic is noise...HOLD THE PHONE... we are not going to talk about poo noises.
we ARE however talking about vomiting noises...!
some people do it so ridiculously loudly that you would think they were birthing an infant out of their mouth with the help of their vocal chords...! WHAT IS WITH THIS...?!?!?
OMFG... my husband does this... actually my husband sounds more like the stereotypical sound people make when they refer to a person of Arab or Indian decent charging into battle...example:
'WOOLOOBOOLAAAHAAARGHHHHHHH!!' followed by the splat noises.
i am not overly sympathetic. people who do things loudly, like suffering aliments etc. GIVE ME THE SHITS! get the hell over it. EVERYONE already knows ur sick... you don't have to loudly proclaim it into the toilet bowl or bucket.
i have to tell this one story...
my poor husband was throwing up... in his annoying noisy fashion. i was walking past the toilet and couldn't help but start laughing at the hideous battle cry that was emerging from the toilet. between fits of laughter i managed to ask if he was ok and needed a glass of water?... (as i AM a caring wife after all).
he got pretty mad (understandably) at my lack of empathy, sympathy and any other sort of humane feelings and between vomits yelled at me to PISS OFF! i did. and i totally understand where he was coming from but i still stand by my earlier comments of how annoying it is...! he forgave me eventually but i still find it absolutely hilarious... but hey I'm one of those that laughs at people that injure themselves... not serious injuries but stupid ones like toe stubbing etc.
anyway i think i have talked enough about poo and spew...
oh it has been happening in my house a lot lately... gastro at the start of school holidays, then again in the middle and then the girls were sick last night after their 3rd birthday party due to drinking too much face paint bath water...! daddy was in charge! so i'm a bit over it and i'm venting here. any parent would get it!
speak the truth.
x g

Monday, 27 August 2012

blog 4

hello again...!
well this post has been brought on by the influx of warmer weather that we've had lately.
it has made me unfortunately aware of how not ready for summer i am.
not ready could be an absolute understatement. my legs look like tree plantations with forests of hair spread widely all over them and my under arms need de-fluffing.
the dark hairs are plucked out religiously but the longer blonde ones are just left to straggle around because i figure if some creep is looking THAT closely at my under arms they need a good biff in the face anyway...!
And the nether regions...i have already talked enough about those in blog 2.
i need to tone up..! de flab and make my body look like it has definition rather than just a shape.
so i have been researching things. researching is something i do well. i am researching all these healthy eating, bikini challenge things. so far they are all promoting the same things: healthy eating, regular exercise and lots of tan. i think i can do this.
the other thing that has been getting my research lately is bathers.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want a nice flattering one piece that will cover my butt and have room for my boobies..! not either/OR..! FFS! :S
they are either up the bum or tits out...! i just don't get it. and the one pieces... you have to be a stick to wear anything that is remotely fashionable!! i refuse to revert back to the options of kmart and target being my only place to buy a one piece! bikinis are still out as my tummy looks like a faded road map due to the twins growing in there and trashing the joint...! 25 and no bikinis. i have said it 1000 times but if i had of known what my body was going to look like after children i would have walked around naked beforehand. like totally naked. i didn't appreciate what i had. all the people who read this who have not yet had kids... GET YOUR CLOTHES OFF! love the skin you're in and embrace it. i miss my smooth, tight skin and my abs are buried under flabby skin that looks like a deflated balloon and we all know how sexy that is... its like wrinkly penis skin... BLERGH. nobody wants THEIR body to look like that...! sure. i love my kids. apples of my eye, loves of my life blah blah... but i also loved my smooth sexy body.
what in fresh hell happened to it...?!?!
SO i am going to tackle this thing head on. healthy eating, exercise and fake tan. any lovely people who read this are willing to join me and we can support each other! we must unite! i refuse to blind people at the beach in summer!!!
anyway i have gotten very off track!
better call it a night!
have fun & keep it real... yeah nuh.
x g

Thursday, 23 August 2012

blog 3

hello again readers!! if there is any of you!
sorry it has taken me a while to write another post.
life was busy and i was sick. Let's talk about that shall we...
Sick is awesome when you're the mummy.
Not only are you sicker than everyone else as you HAVE everyone else's bug because they cough and splutter this crud all over you BUT you also don't get the wonderful time to rest because your talented vagina turned you into a slave by default and there is no one... and I mean NO ONE looking after you for a long period of time...As in any longer than an interim of 5-30 mins.
You just need to suck that sickness up princess and solider on.
I have just recently been diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome (cfs). Cfs means that your immune system is basically non existent, and you're tired 95% of the time and don't even get me started on the muscle cramps etc. It is really not cool.
But on a happier note, it has been really nice to actually find out why my life has gotten so hard and unmanageable lately not to mention the constant sickness.
Speaking of which... my children have the ability to cough and sneeze DIRECTLY in my direction and into my open mouth. It is really a very clever aim. And not to mention frustrating. Which mean that EVERY bug the little dears pick up at school and child care get sent home and i have no defence against them...!
So i have been constantly sick for months. Its been terrible. the skin on my nose is non existent. I can't hear to save myself, which has resulted in my song pop scores plummeting! And i have a cough that makes me sound like I have smoked a pack a day for 50 years.
The thing that sucks the most about ALL of this is that now i have had to reduce all my physical activity down to just 3 classes a week at the gym. For some that doesn't sound so bad... SURE but I played 3 games of netball a week and tried to do a gym class a day..! So this is devastating news for me. I am also trying to shift the remaining baby bulge, that is now 3 years old... just about! So everything is on hold.
Anyway I have whined on long enough. The house isn't going to clean itself... unfortunately! And that's ANOTHER story!
talk soon!
g x

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

blog 2

hello again!!
I'm trying again at this blogging thing. i have been seeking advice and insight from those around me as to what to post about as my daily life might bore you all to death with the amounts of repeats in it... especially regarding my children!!
so i thought hey... why not just write about stuff that i have thought about or experienced that day.
so here goes;
today, like most days, i was immersed in communal showering. i have experienced this a lot in my house.
having 3 kids that know NO bounds when it comes to privacy or alone time means that i don't get to poop, pee or change any pad or tampon without a million questions or prying eyes and fingers trying to get around the door... and today it was the showers turn. i couldn't even wash my bottom without the entourage of questions...!! i love the question about "why my is my front bottom 'hairy'?" :| WTF....
F*!% OFF!!! its my bits and MY business!
yes, admittedly, you once resided there but that gives you NO right to go snooping and asking a million questions about MY stuff! it also sends me into a barrage of guilt about letting my nether regions get a TINY bit overgrown in the colder months... so i instantly jump on the defensive...! i also hope that if i dodge the question quickly with a fairly open ended response they will accept it and lose interest in my bits and go back to unfolding all the face washers and making a 'bridge' with them on the floor...! :s
this is also something i HATE them doing BUT my floor is generally clean and if it keeps their prying eyes and questions off me then UNFOLD away kiddies!
wow i just realised that this is a massive rant :O sorry... i better go to bed now anyway as its 12:30AM and i don't really fancy watching horses do stuff at the Olympics on the tv... zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz... but by all means horses... win GOLD!
night night.

Monday, 6 August 2012

the first lonely post...

ok so the time has come for me to attack this blogging business...
what to blog about...?
life...? its a pretty standard blog but hey...
ok well i'll start with today.
had to get up and take lily(nearly 6yrs) to school and wake her two younger sisters up from their peaceful slumber to drag them along because nearly 3 years old is not old enough to be left at home unsupervised... according to law. not that i would anyway but sometimes it would make life so much easier.
anyway then i came home did the breakfast thing and have been doing washing ever since. this is the first time i have actually sat down today and in that moment i decided to write a blog.
this is probably boring the pants off people and if they are still reading then kudos to you and A+ for persevering...!
some things that i love to do when i get a chance to sit is go and check out 'parenting illustrated by crappy pictures' and 'jenna marbles' on youtube both these things crack me up and are right up my humour alley!! jenna does swear but its funny and i also swear more than i'd like to admit...
anyway the washing has finished in the machine yet again so i better go and hang it out in the crispy winter air to not dry bt not be as wet as when i hung it out :)
i will try and make this blog more interesting... and think of some things to talk about. but for now... hello. this is me. :)